What is Dead May Never Die

Death. A word I use to struggle to mention. A lump in the throat, a stale look in my eye, slightly choking on the breath that's cascading down my trachea. It's a complex word, to say the least. But it isn't the linguistics that trip me up, it's the emotions hidden behind each letter, each syllable and sound. It's the memories and the fears, the stabbing pain and the instant relief. The confusion and the chaos. I had so many preconceived ideas, influenced by my beliefs and the experiences of those around me. But my ideas just added to the complexity of the word, reflecting my inexperience and inability to relate entirely. Until the time came that I learned for myself.

Death is a word that cannot be defined. It cannot be understood or written out, explained or painted for anyone to receive. It is defined as the end of the life of a person or organism, but it goes way beyond that simple idea. The most difficult aspect of the idea of death is that it is non-transferable. Once you understand death within yourself, define it, draw it, write it out, that is as far as it goes. It stays planted in your brain, growing in your mind with each and every experience you have. There is no way to show someone your understanding of death. You can attempt to explain it, using words and images that may help them relate to what you are saying, but the truth is no one will ever understand death until they work through tremendous loss themselves.

Since learning my own meaning and definition of death, I have been able to observe others. I have noted their emotions, their thoughts, their reactions. We are all so very different, in how we perceive and more specifically, how we grieve. I will not try to explain to you my idea of death for it may not be understood the way my mind defines it. However I will present you with this idea:

When faced with death in general, it is almost impossible for us to decipher between our empathy for the loss of a life and our own fear of death. Sometimes we mistake our own fear of death for the fear of someone else losing their life. There is grief, there is the emptiness of physical loss and the end of our life with someone else in it, but there is a much grander emotion at work when we face death. Our fear. We fear so much at the end of the line. We may or may not understand what follows, we may or may not wish to think about what comes next. So we just hold a space of fear. Of the unknown, of change, of the release into something new. With all of this fully intact in our hearts and minds, we choose to focus on the physical loss. The empty place in our hearts. The terror we choose to play back in our heads day after day. The fear of what is no more.

We choose to sit in our grief, to soak up our loss and tell ourselves it will never be the same. Well it won't, that we have gotten right. But it's not about right or wrong, it's about our perspective. Life isn't the same, but it can be bigger. It can be more whole. The physical loss in our lives can teach us about life. It can teach us how tough the sting can get, or how soft the touch can feel. It can teach us how sweet the rose can smell, or how much the heart can truly bleed when pricked by a thorn. Death can keep us in a box, bringing us anxiety, fear, and deep depression. Or it can smash open the box and bring you everything you have missed while you've been sleeping.

I am not writing this to tell you what happens after death. I may have my own firm understanding and experience to back that up, but that is ultimately up to your mind to decipher. That is for you to build, and your soul to agree upon. But I can tell you this, death is never just about the loss and if you can find the strength that resides in your core, the life that seeps from your soul constantly, if you can find the will to move forward you will absolutely discover your full meaning of death. But also your meaning of life.

Life can change you, but death destroys you. It destroys you to a place where the soil that was your old self can recycle and grow into a new self. Death can teach you about more than just you and what you have lost. It can take up residence in your spirit and prove to be one of the most awakening experiences you will ever endure, if only you see that you CAN endure it. You CAN move through it, taking with you the materials and realizations you need to create a stronger, more open self.

It is now time to say goodbye to all that has died so that we may continue forward. It is time to reap the courage that has been sown into our celestial bodies, time and time again. Pick up your sword, pick up the swords of those who have finished their battle and gone home. It is time to grow from the ashes of all we have been through and all we have lost, all that has taught us and all that has gotten us to this point. The place that we need to be.

While I can't offer you my perspective on death, I can give you an example to see. I can give you the words from a heart that has endured soul crushing loss, and I can give you my word. Death is not the end, for anyone involved. Loss, my dears, is only but the beginning of the most extraordinary metamorphosis you will ever, EVER, encounter. You may shed your tears now, but you will shed yourself eventually and you will see the beauty, not the vain, of what has been lost. For what is lost is never truly lost, but only in your heart from this point forward. To guide you, to love you, to show you how far you have come and how far you will go. Everlasting, from the day it all ends to the day it all begins again.

The Three Things I Will Always Know

Life is filled with movement. There are the ups, the downs, the old and the new. People and things are constantly being replaced by new people and new things. Experiences move forward, and eventually come to an end or create a new beginning out of themselves.

Despite this constant kinetic energy that life generates, we have the tendency to feel stagnant at times. Like we can’t get our feet moving forward, no matter how hard we try. We just can’t quite seem to grasp the lesson and move on. Or pick up our feet and carry on. We get stuck on something, or rather in something. Unable to move, unable to make enough sense of our surroundings or the direction we are headed.

What does it mean to us, where we're going, if we can’t even figure out where we are? What does the journey have to do with our current situation when we're stuck somewhere, unsure of how to continue? If there's no movement, is there also no progress? 

I can't answer those questions, but I can tell you this. The future holds a place in our lives. Obviously not a conscious one, but a space in which we are leaving life up to something bigger. We don’t have to have everything figured out to move onward, we don’t have to possess the map and the answers to what lies ahead. We don’t need to plot it, to plan it, to design it out. We don’t need to know where we are headed to move forward. All we need is the faith in the knowledge that we will get to where we need to be as long as we are conscious of where we are now, not where we are headed.

If you know where you stand, just where you are in this moment, you will survive. If you know where you stand with yourself, with your life, with the goals and aspirations you hold in your heart right this second, you will know how to get there. No directions needed. So then what is in that space, the space that the future holds? If it’s not answers or directions, what takes up that space? It’s the hope we have for something great. It’s the knowing that we will get there, not the knowing of when or how but the knowing that we will eventually know what everything means. It's a space we reserve for the time in which we do figure things out. A space for all options and all outcomes to take. A place to know there is an extraordinary future in front of us, no matter what the story turns out to be.

I am sure of only three things in this life. In every life. The sun will come out. The moon will come out. The truth will come out. You will always have a sense of direction, innately installed in your spirit. The only thing you have to acquire is the faith, the blind knowing, the FEELING that your truth will come out. So long as you know of the three things that will always come out, you will know how to always continue onward with your journey. Not a day passing you by taking a thing from you and not a moment being wasted on the stagnant debate of the ever chattering mind.

Have faith in the sun, have faith in the moon. But most importantly have faith in your own truth. No matter how hidden it may seem now, you will figure it out. You will find your way. And it will be magnificent. It will be beautiful. It will be your new present moment as the cycle completes and begins again. Everything you hoped and dreamed will gracefully turn into everything you know. 

Happy Eclipse season <3 

Run Away or Dance the Tango

Fear. It's a knot in your solar plexus, an uncomfortable tingle down your spine, a rush of adrenaline through your body. It can freeze you up or cause you to lose control. It can even control you. But fear isn't all bad. Fear itself is good. Giving in to fear, well that's what you SHOULD fear.

There's a side to fear that you won't learn of until you face it. Whether you swam into the jaws of the shark knowingly or it grabbed you from behind, it has the capacity to move something within you. Fear can change even the most stagnant of situations. It can budge the most heavy of thoughts and get the boulder rolling down the mountain. You can run, you can hide, but you can't get rid of it until you face it, upfront and ready. And trust me, you are going to want to.

You can try your hardest to put up with the fear, to gain comfort in it's presence, ignoring the urge to roll up in a ball. Or you can look it directly in the eyes, see what is there to be seen and do something about it. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself, that is correct. But you shouldn't have to fear fear? That sounds silly but it's true. You just shouldn't have to. And you don't.

Fear can be your friend. It can nudge you out of your comfort zone, it can awaken the beast within. It can move mountains and change the direction of the wind in an instant, if you allow it to. Fear can get you to places you have never seen, tell you things you have never heard.

I have learned to recognize the way fear feels as it approaches me. The uneasiness, the sudden and blank decision to run away, sometimes not even knowing why or what I am fleeing. I know the perpetuating feeling of discomfort and the confusion of the unknown. I know that it will bring me to beautiful horizons and breathtaking views if only I could push past the discomfort and the unknown, if only I could. I hold this wisdom in my heart, loud and clear. Yet my legs run away first, before I can realize any of this. And in an instant, the moment is gone and I am far away from where I desire, from where I planned.

I think I know what I want, I think I know what I need, but I don't know where that will take me. I don't know how this lesson will turn out or where it will bring me, but I do know that I don't want to fear it. I want it to change me. Perhaps I am just confusing myself and running my mind ragged. Or perhaps I am genuinely working through these thoughts, actually getting somewhere in this chaotic, disorderly mind. I may not possess the answers to anything, but I do have in my grips, the ability to look fear right in the eyes and decide to dance with him. And if I dance with my fear and I learn how to step to his rhythm without him stepping on my toes, perhaps we could create a beautiful scene. And maybe, just maybe that beautiful dance can teach me how fear can help me. It can show me, within myself, not to run away but to stay and dance with him. The music has been playing this whole time and I have been too busy running away to enjoy it.

The truth is, there is beauty in everything. There is beauty in pain, in fear, in apprehension. It's the music that's playing in the background, patiently waiting for us to hear it that holds the beauty. It's the decision to dance with our fears instead of giving them power over us, over our desires and the way we go after them. Fear can be a friend or a foe. A nightmare or a revolution. But the only thing that fear cannot be is your deciding factor.

Fear can't decide the path you take my dears, only you can.  

Don't Fear The Roar

We're in a precarious time. There are mass changes occurring within each and every one of us as well as collectively. We are in a time of passion, a time of catalytic change and rearranging. Releasing and rebuilding. Stronger, more powerful, more authentic.

You are a lion. Fierce and graceful. You must know of your size and the power that you hold, the self actualization it takes to face up to your biggest challenges.

You are on fire. You have been slowly standing up to your fears, conquering them one at a time. The days have begun to bleed together, the shifts we are feeling within us are those of immense necessity and depth.

This fire that blazes within you is filled with passion, direction, enormity. It burns through the festered parts of you that hold you back. It sets your mind ablaze, your sense of self and of body simmers with the heat of a thousand suns.

You are being called forward. You are being asked to rise up to your potential, release the lion that sleeps within. Use the power that you posses, your lion, to create. Not destroy. Use the anger, the passion, the burning inside of you. Use it all to create life. Create words, pictures, love, ideas, armies of warriors that will take on the challenges that lie ahead. Use the power to give birth to something new. To change your life, the direction you're headed. Use the fire to burn down your fears and inhibitions and to scorch through the beliefs that keep you chained to your own existence.

You are bigger, better and more beautiful than you have ever seen yourself before. Rise up to the challenge, my friends. Unleash your lion and watch as you step into the power you've held within all this time. The world is your oyster and you have absolutely nothing holding you back but yourself.

So it all comes down to this.. Will you let your lion roar?

Lost in the Lust for Life

I'm in love. Not with a person, not with an idea. I am in love with the inspiration that life brings me. I am in love with the colors of the water that decorate our earth like a mystical blanket. With the sounds of cars speeding by my window, ever so busily. I am in love with the way the humid air kisses my skin on a hot and blazing day. I am in love with the color of the plants that surround me, pressed against a stormy sky backdrop. I am in love with the sounds of laughter that echo from my own chords.

You are not my muse. No one will be my singular inspiration. Not even myself. The gentle ideas that flow off my tongue would have found their place on my lips whether you found yours or not. The sounds of life that flow from my lungs will continue to flow long after you are gone. My eyes will open, and close, without your finger pointing to where I shall look.

See, it is not a person that I love with such deep longing, it is not a person that I wish to know forever, for that ship has sailed. But rather, it's the warmth that runs through my body and out into the world that breathes fire into my eyes. I'm not your typical romantic. I don't need flowers, sunsets, or kisses on the neck. I don't need poems or chocolates or moonlit walks on the beach. I need to be set free, safe enough to wander however far I desire. I need to hike to the top of a canyon, swing from the tallest tree on the river bank, and watch the storm clouds roll in from the edge of the earth. I need to jump from the highest altitudes and dive the depths of  the ocean, searching for meaning in what I feel, knowing I will always discover more. I need to run loose in a field of sweet grass, dance through the streets in the rain, roam beneath the trees, beneath the singing birds perched upon the branches I long to rest on. I don't want love, I want more than love has to offer. I want life.

But what good is the adventure, the pure happiness, without someone to share it with? What good is the breath that leaves your mouth when the view in front of you takes your thoughts away, if there is no one to breathe it back into you? What good is the thrill, the adrenaline, the tickle in your soul if you can't turn to someone and look them in the eyes, knowing they feel it too. Knowing that they understand the lust and the surge of life that flows through your veins.

There are a million things I must do before I will sit in a rocking chair on a porch next to someone, call it a day and just be in love. There is so much to feel with those who crave to discover the very ground I dream of walking on. So much time to spend, alone and with as many different minds as possible. But even with all that I already know, there is a whole life before me that I can't even think on.

You may not be my inspiration, none of you may be my muse, ever. But there is one bad-ass bitch who will always rip the words right out of my spinning head, better than I ever could have explained them. Life, that's who.

Change Your Mind

Change. A scary, deliberate, sometimes anxiety provoking word.

Change. An exciting, expansive, life opening word.

Change is not so simple. It's neither bad nor good, yet both entirely. It is the thing that we dread and for some, it scares the living hell out of us. However it's also the thing that people seek out, knowing it will lead them forward onto newer, greater things.

Change used to be something I was terrified of. I would cling to the past, clench my fists around the "things" I didn't want to lose, and dance with the beliefs I never wanted to give up. I thought I could stay away from change. If I held on tight enough, no one could rip anything from my arms until I was ready to let it go. But that was the problem. I saw change as someone ripping something from me, taking it away, leaving me behind in pieces. But that's not true.

Change is so much bigger than we think. It's not just the stripping away of the old, it's incredibly inspiring. It's electric and powerful. It opens us up to experiences we never thought relevant or even possible. But we don't always see it that way because of the loss that it often entails and the discomfort we expect.

Change can be intimidating, or it can awaken something exhilarating inside of you. Every time I have the courage to transform myself, I discover something brilliant about life. I learn about myself and I enjoy experiences that will forever shape who I am in the best possible way. Embracing change sounds cliche, but it's so necessary. If you seek after change with the determination to conquer your fears and trek onward, you will without a doubt unearth such great wisdom and experience, a beautiful chest of treasure, that will surely bring you much happiness.

When I'm feeling stuck in place or scared of a big change, I like to do something I call "24 changes". I pick 24 smaller aspects of my daily life to change. Taking down an art piece or adding one, getting a new phone case, changing my face wash, rearranging my desk, putting a new sticker on my car. Whatever you have been doing routinely for too long, no matter how small, SWITCH IT UP! Finally get that new lamp, change that burnt out light bulb, get rid of that old jewelry box you never use. This theory of changing as many small aspects of your life that you can will show you that:

1. Change is cool not scary
2. You could discover something amazing you've never tried before
3. You might just inspire a bigger change to occur in your life

No matter what changes you are facing, I promise you, it can be done. It doesn't have to be hard, it doesn't have to be incredibly uncomfortable. There is so much out there to experience, so why not try to live as many different ways as you possibly can? Change your mind about change and it will never fail to carry you onward to your next big adventure.

There is Only One You

Is anyone else tired of living in a world where we are not only encouraged to blend in but discouraged to stick out? Does anyone care enough about what they have to offer humanity to stand out when it's made so uncomfortable and difficult? Think about it this way. Out of the billions of people on this planet, there is none other like you. Never has been, never will be. Even identical twins have two separate souls, right? So why the fuck would you want to approach the world just like Joe Shmoe over here when you have your own eyes to see, your own ears to listen with and your own mind to unleash?

It hurts my heart to watch someone with such beauty, such experience, and so much to show the world through their perspective, aspire to be just like everyone else. There is absolutely only one person in the entire universe, only one mind and heart that can love the way you love. There is only one that can shout your words to the world, saying what needs to be said and telling what needs to be told. There is only one that can sing the song that lies within your soul. There is only one that can impact the people that surround you in the way that you do. There is only one that can walk this earth and leave behind a trail of who you are and what you live for.

So many of us lead a life on autopilot. Your true self, tucked away from society, is often hidden from your very own eyes on your worst days. You hate who you are, or who you think you are. You push everything that matters below the surface and you operate with only a small portion of yourself facing the outside. You are viewing yourself from the outside in. It feels bad or even malicious to show your true self to the world. Like you will be received, scrutinized, and rejected. You have been conditioned to believe you are selfish, undeserving, unworthy. You have been told this about yourself by those who can barely break through your cement wall to even catch a glimpse at who you really are. But would you even recognize that person if they were finally freed? If you became totally open, to yourself and to others, would you even know who you were? If you viewed yourself from the inside out, you would finally meet your deepest self.

At this point in my life, I wish to climb the tallest rooftop I can find. I crave a view of this world that is of MY eyes and MY senses. I wish to lookout over this life I have created for myself and scream at the top of my lungs. That is how I meet myself. I want to watch the sun set in front of me and view the picture that is painted in my mind all at the same time. I wish to share my wisdom, my ideas, my words with anyone who stops to hear them. That is how I meet myself. At this point in my life, all I want to do is free myself until there is nothing holding me back from what I desire. And I desire to be me, to teach you who I am.

My passions and my ambitions are of me and as I set out on my quest to find freedom, I encourage you to do the same. Use those parts of you that you have tucked away for so long. Free the pieces of you that deserve to run wild, impacting life the way that you are here for. There is absolutely, positively nothing more brilliant than a mind with no boundaries, a personality with no mute button and eyes with no filters. Step away from the bunch, the bunch that has blended together until it is just one collective being. Leave behind the self that believes you are more valuable put in place with the others than floating free, free enough to shine the way that you wish to shine, the way that you NEED to shine.

I'm not really sure what has inspired this piece except for the fact that I may have just learned how beautiful it is to truly be yourself. I don't think I have ever seen a more uninhibited version of myself than I see right here, right now. And it's all because I decided there was just something about myself that the world deserves to see. I decided that I deserve to be seen. Not through your eyes but through mine. I am the only me you will ever meet and I want you all to know how good it feels to be free enough to give the world an opportunity to meet that person in you. You are compassionate, you are beautiful, you are gifted, you are here. You are life and life would not be what it is without you. Be free, my dudes. There is only one you, so let. It. Out.