We all reach a point in our confused adolescence where we grow into an adult and attempt to make sense of who we are and what we want from life. We spend the better years of our innocence picking through our mind and heart, sorting out truth from illusion. We work towards uncovering our truest self, our real identity, only to discover that we will spend the rest of our lives on that very journey. Although we may not be able to discover ourselves in one single moment, something greater is at play and will happen. An epiphany so profound and healing will one day begin to flow into our life, unexpected and possibly even unwelcomed at first. We may spend our youth wearing the skin of someone we are not so that we may have these moments one day and transition into who we really are.
All of what I have said may seem normal, that this discovery of our truest, purest self comes from living through our innocence and being who we are not. However if you dig a little deeper, you will find there is much more to it. The irony of it all comes in the form of those we choose to undo ourselves with. Who we choose to search with, to fail with, to learn with, to break ourselves down and apart with. We find the souls that we choose to implode with, to break through the barriers of our own vulnerability with. A group of kindred spirits, our closest pals, our tightest buddies. We are so young at this point in our life, so innocent and void of responsibility. To ourselves and to the world. We should feel carefree yet we are constantly carrying around a bag filled with insecurities, disappointments, doubts, and fears about the future and what it holds. We are just old enough to decide who we want to be, but not quite old enough to understand who we truly are. We are ready to go off into the world and be a part of something bigger than just a sheltered high school's graduating class. We have the freedom and the choice to go in so many different directions, yet we are too immature and shallow and have yet to dig deep enough within ourselves. We are still trying to dig our way out of all of the things we have believed, all of the things we held back from being. We can't hear our calling quite yet. But that is why we have our best friends, our people. They aren't just the fillers or the backdrop for our teenage experience. They aren't just the memories or the experiences that remind us how young we were. They aren't just the catalysts for our major life transitions or the recipients of our emotional tantrums that eventually split you up. They mean so much more than you may ever know. It's not everyday that we connect on such a deep level with others, especially when we are blind to what lies within us, blind to who we are deep down inside.
Looking back on my young and misguided self I see a girl who had so much love, so much opportunity for opening herself up fully yet painfully confused as to why her authentic self was much harder to find than the person she could sculpt herself to be. I see a girl who didn't understand the first thing about emotions, where they come from and how you can project them on others when you don't face them within yourself. I see a girl that took a lot for granted, including her own sense of morality. Now all I feel is blame and guilt for denying myself the love and depth that I needed to see things just a little bit deeper than I thought I was. But I know that I can't truly blame myself for I was just a child then. No matter how much freedom I had, I was still just a child with hardly any life experience to go from. I was a child who had no idea who she was, to myself or to the world.
As I sit here in my apartment reflecting on how I got to be who and where I am, I can't help but to see faces moving gently through my mind. Picture after picture. High school dances, beach trips, sleepovers, Halloween parties, late summer nights. The faces that come through bring me to many places within my heart, reminding me of all the things I've been trying to forget. The truth is, the girl I see looking back at me in all of those pictures, tangled up with her friends, smile on her face, love surrounding her completely, she is exactly who I am today, only she couldn't see it in herself. I can't hate her for being naive, I can't blame her for not understanding anything about herself or about being whole. I can't blame her because without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. And without the beautiful souls that I chose to help me break away all of the parts of me that didn't belong, I wouldn't be standing here ready to build something amazing.
Those faces, those hearts that I spent my most blind days singing and dancing to the music of life with, well they are never too far away from my heart. The girl that tossed them away dramatically is learning and healing each and every day, closer to understanding herself and her emotions for it, closer to being the person that will soon have a family and life of her own to build upon. And while my heart may feel a tug from a photo, a memory, or a name, I am truly grateful for the people who saw me before I could see myself. Before they could see themselves. I wish them the best on their journey in self discovery and I end this piece with lots of peace and with my favorite Hawaiian saying, Ho'oponopono:
I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
