A Lost Heart Freshly Discovered

I don't know about you, but the last few weeks have been kicking my ass into shape. There have been epiphanies and lessons galore, some of the most life changing for me so far. One of the realizations I have been working through recently has turned out to be one of the most important lessons I have yet to learn in this life. I am having difficulty swallowing it and living in it truthfully, so I find it most productive to speak it out loud to others, in turn speaking my truth to myself.

If you are reading this, then you have a truth you must speak as well. The bigger the pill to swallow, the bigger the gulp of water. So fill up your glasses now, because this is a big one for me and I bet you have a big pill to swallow yourself as well. Here it goes!




I go back to that time, the time in which my world stood still. I hold the hollow me who sits in those moments, brain dead from fear. I hold her as she cries, I sing to her as she shakes and sobs. I sing of love, how it never ceases to exist.

I tell her how everything will eventually be okay, how she can't see it yet but she will discover another great love. And when that time comes, she will know of another way to love, one that fits the cookie cutter shape that is now her new heart. Shaped by the life she has lived thus far, shaped by the cracks in her soul.

I tell her that it is okay to step out of that jail cell, it is okay to leave those frames that play in her mind like a film stuck on repeat. The frames that depict the trauma, pain, fear, and loss. It is okay to leave that behind. It was the love and change that has made her who she is today so she can let go of the pain and frozen parts of her, for all they will take with them when they leave is her darkness.

Let go. Let go. I tell her to let her hands release the grasp and push those moments out to sea, rescuing her hollow self from the disaster aboard, sending it away to where it belongs. In the past.

I wish to no longer seal myself off from the world. I wish to leave the place within me in which I have been trapped, frozen in time that does not move. I am not frozen, I am moving forward. I am not lost, I am discovering myself everyday. The hollow self that I have rescued from that awful time will thank me when someone comes along and wishes to teach me how to love again.

I don't have to stay prisoner to that death, I don't have to sacrifice the rest of my life in order to keep the memories and love that are left behind. Those moments live in me, in my structure and in my soul, forever acting as the foundation of the life I have yet to live. There is so much life out there to build on top of the part of me that exists in this moment, and the parts that have withered and cracked will forever make me who I am, no matter how deep those cracks run.

Entertain Me While I Wait For The Rest Of My Life To Begin

As I sit here on my favorite roof top, watching the sun sink below the horizon, I realize it represents my life. A part of me died last summer and this whole time since, I have been entertaining myself. Playing games and seeking answers while I wait for the birth of my new life. When will my sun set? When will the life that I have struggled with become the old? When will the new life I am so desperately and patiently waiting for show itself?

My sun will set when it's ready. I stay in limbo because that is what I tell myself. I tell myself to wait and hang in suspension until someone gives me permission to set and rise again. Well that's bullshit. The universe doesn't decide when my new life begins, you don't decide, and I sure as hell can't wait until I decide because at this rate, that will never happen. 

The sun that shines on the life I no longer live needs to set, bringing the dark and the unknown with it. This needs to happen so that the sun will rise back up, illuminating the things that are missing and the things that present themselves, brand new with the tag still intact. After all, what good is a life of tragedy without the paradise that follows? 

I put in my time. I served my sentence of struggle and I am ready for my sun to set. To say goodbye to the world that controlled my everything. I am done entertaining myself while I wait for the first day of the rest of my life because the sun is ready to rise, and no sun can bring itself to rise if it has yet to set on the skyline. Bring the darkness, the shadows. Lower the final curtain and take a bow, for the entertainment has ended. And when the sun rises in the morning, I will welcome the bright and shining novelty like the birds welcome the morning rays of golden light. 

Hello, new life. I have been waiting for you. 

Don't Let The World Dim Your Shine!

Ever since I was younger, I have always loved to write. It wasn't the act itself or the product I wound up with, but rather the emotion and energy that I put into the words. The way that I expressed my thoughts felt freeing and empowering. No matter how people reacted to my writing, I felt on top of the world when someone would read it. Until I got further down my journey of education and writing became a harshly judged assignment. Being the only subject in school that is partially graded using a biased opinion of your personal self expression, writing became a modality of disappointment in my life. There I was, blissfully expressing my soul through writing and when I turned it in to receive a grade, the teacher/professor used harsh opinion to express how they personally felt about my writing. This was usually a negative comment. Perhaps it was due to my lack of effort learning grammar or specific advanced terminology. Or maybe because I had issues following the prompt the way that the teacher expected all of us to. Regardless, the way that my writing was judged as I grew up and went through different systems of education, always ended in disappointment in myself, in my ability to express my thoughts, and in my intelligence. A bad grade was a bad grade but a negative, written comment on my expression of thoughts was very discouraging.


The number one thing that those in spirit regret the most is caring what other people thought. It held them back from the freedom of experiencing self-expression AND unconditional love, all at the same time. This experience, this life, it's only going to last as long as it does and then we are back in spirit. What does your soul need to do while you are here? What does it need to experience that you are too afraid or too inhibited to do? Set. Yourself. Free.

So that is exactly what I did. I realized that since I had stopped taking college courses, writing didn't have to be just for an assignment like it previously felt. I was led to write and when my life took a crazy turn, I had no choice but to document my experiences in a journal. This led to the discovery that my writing was actually a beautiful tool of release and not a sack of junk that my school teachers had always led me to believe. I saw the passion and emotion in my writing, I felt the emotional release when I wrote about things that made my soul ache. I discovered the feeling of pride in myself again when people read my writing, except this time they actually liked it! I was stunned at how much growth I had experienced when it came to my writing skills. Or is it possible that I was just never open to believing that I could create beautiful energy through words with all of these adults telling me how sub par my writing skills were? Was I distracted from a natural ability because I chose to listen to the opinions of others? Did I lose years of love for writing just because I told myself "they are right, I am worthless"? Yes I did. But not anymore!

I knew that I had something good going on with the way that I expressed my thoughts through writing but I assumed that these people in my life knew more about myself and my abilities than I did. Looking back now, it seems so ridiculous that I would give others that sort of power in my life but I did and now I am left with the thought, "why?" Because I didn't yet see that knowing my own worth was more important than listening to the opinions of others. I let the world dim my shine, I let them take away something that I enjoy doing and that comes natural to me. For years I kept myself from writing, something that saved my soul when my world came crashing down.

Now, writing is something that I do everyday. I believe my words help heal myself and those who may take something from them. I also believe that whatever it is I put out there through my writing can also inspire each and every mind that skims over my words. I will forever print my thoughts on paper, watching the world change because of it, all the while cursing the mind that let the world dim my shine for so long. This shine is never going away, not at the hands of anyone but my own. I encourage each and every soul that is brought to this post for a reason to NEVER let the world take away who you are. Don't let other people control your life experience, don't give them the power to make you feel as if you shouldn't be yourself. In the end, those who pass us by and give us a glance of nonacceptance serve no purpose in our soul path except to teach us of this very lesson. The lesson of self acceptance and unconditional love, because with these aspects of your soul intact, every single form of self expression is a beautiful kiss on this life, left for the world to see who we really are and why we are here.

Shine bright, all of you beautiful, unique souls and never let the world dim that shine :)