Death. A word I use to struggle to mention. A lump in the throat, a stale look in my eye, slightly choking on the breath that's cascading down my trachea. It's a complex word, to say the least. But it isn't the linguistics that trip me up, it's the emotions hidden behind each letter, each syllable and sound. It's the memories and the fears, the stabbing pain and the instant relief. The confusion and the chaos. I had so many preconceived ideas, influenced by my beliefs and the experiences of those around me. But my ideas just added to the complexity of the word, reflecting my inexperience and inability to relate entirely. Until the time came that I learned for myself.
Death is a word that cannot be defined. It cannot be understood or written out, explained or painted for anyone to receive. It is defined as the end of the life of a person or organism, but it goes way beyond that simple idea. The most difficult aspect of the idea of death is that it is non-transferable. Once you understand death within yourself, define it, draw it, write it out, that is as far as it goes. It stays planted in your brain, growing in your mind with each and every experience you have. There is no way to show someone your understanding of death. You can attempt to explain it, using words and images that may help them relate to what you are saying, but the truth is no one will ever understand death until they work through tremendous loss themselves.
Since learning my own meaning and definition of death, I have been able to observe others. I have noted their emotions, their thoughts, their reactions. We are all so very different, in how we perceive and more specifically, how we grieve. I will not try to explain to you my idea of death for it may not be understood the way my mind defines it. However I will present you with this idea:
When faced with death in general, it is almost impossible for us to decipher between our empathy for the loss of a life and our own fear of death. Sometimes we mistake our own fear of death for the fear of someone else losing their life. There is grief, there is the emptiness of physical loss and the end of our life with someone else in it, but there is a much grander emotion at work when we face death. Our fear. We fear so much at the end of the line. We may or may not understand what follows, we may or may not wish to think about what comes next. So we just hold a space of fear. Of the unknown, of change, of the release into something new. With all of this fully intact in our hearts and minds, we choose to focus on the physical loss. The empty place in our hearts. The terror we choose to play back in our heads day after day. The fear of what is no more.
We choose to sit in our grief, to soak up our loss and tell ourselves it will never be the same. Well it won't, that we have gotten right. But it's not about right or wrong, it's about our perspective. Life isn't the same, but it can be bigger. It can be more whole. The physical loss in our lives can teach us about life. It can teach us how tough the sting can get, or how soft the touch can feel. It can teach us how sweet the rose can smell, or how much the heart can truly bleed when pricked by a thorn. Death can keep us in a box, bringing us anxiety, fear, and deep depression. Or it can smash open the box and bring you everything you have missed while you've been sleeping.
I am not writing this to tell you what happens after death. I may have my own firm understanding and experience to back that up, but that is ultimately up to your mind to decipher. That is for you to build, and your soul to agree upon. But I can tell you this, death is never just about the loss and if you can find the strength that resides in your core, the life that seeps from your soul constantly, if you can find the will to move forward you will absolutely discover your full meaning of death. But also your meaning of life.
Life can change you, but death destroys you. It destroys you to a place where the soil that was your old self can recycle and grow into a new self. Death can teach you about more than just you and what you have lost. It can take up residence in your spirit and prove to be one of the most awakening experiences you will ever endure, if only you see that you CAN endure it. You CAN move through it, taking with you the materials and realizations you need to create a stronger, more open self.
It is now time to say goodbye to all that has died so that we may continue forward. It is time to reap the courage that has been sown into our celestial bodies, time and time again. Pick up your sword, pick up the swords of those who have finished their battle and gone home. It is time to grow from the ashes of all we have been through and all we have lost, all that has taught us and all that has gotten us to this point. The place that we need to be.
While I can't offer you my perspective on death, I can give you an example to see. I can give you the words from a heart that has endured soul crushing loss, and I can give you my word. Death is not the end, for anyone involved. Loss, my dears, is only but the beginning of the most extraordinary metamorphosis you will ever, EVER, encounter. You may shed your tears now, but you will shed yourself eventually and you will see the beauty, not the vain, of what has been lost. For what is lost is never truly lost, but only in your heart from this point forward. To guide you, to love you, to show you how far you have come and how far you will go. Everlasting, from the day it all ends to the day it all begins again.
No comments:
Post a Comment