A Rush of Blood to the Head

I have spent my entire life up to my 25th year missing the point. I have spent exactly 9,125 days treating myself as the little girl who knows less than the majority of the world around her. I have remained innocent, quiet, subscribed, controlled, and told how to be by every single human who crossed paths with me. Whether they meant well, told themselves they did or sought me out for selfish desires, everyone has tried to teach me or shape me in some way. I am tempted to take the stance of the victim and feel as though everyone but me was aware of this dynamic, feeding into it, and attempting to manipulate or control it. I would be doing an incredible injustice to myself if I allowed that victim-oriented belief to simmer inside my brain for another moment.

You see the belief that no matter what I do or where I go I will be greeted by others who are attempting to mold me into their own version of myself may seem seductive and attractive to a spirit weighed down by the weight of the world around her, but I know in the depths of my being that this is not true. I am an active participant if I refuse to take responsibility for the runoff of others drowning my own soul. That is when I began to notice the point. That was day 1.

That day looked like an incredible amount of anger pouring out of me. I seethed from places I hadn't yet witnessed. I felt a burning buzz vibrate in places that had yet to feel active within me. I felt life spring up aggressively from places that I had yet to discover even existed within me. I discovered new life within myself on day 1 and more than anything else, I was pissed.

My body ran hotter than usual. My skin radiated a flame that would end up raging for weeks and weeks. That flame was a miracle that would set my entire world on fire, burning away each and every square inch of myself that has ever chosen to comply without asking why. Every speckle that has silenced herself in the face of others. Every molecule that has lived the role of a victim, never in control, never able to escape or end its suffering at the hands of others. Their shaping. Their unfortunate, overrated conditioning and layering that has suffocated them until this very moment.

This heat that emanated from my flesh and my spirit was hot and powerful enough to burn through many of these layers at once. The most important layer that caught fire was the layer that held it all together. Enclosing me and suffocating me in a bag of my own design and choice. A bag that contained the false belief that to be loved and accepted, I had to sell myself entirely. A belief that almost killed me.

So I stood on a nearby mountain and watched those layers burn. I watched closely for days, without removing my roasted eyes from the heat. I watched in awe as the structures that burned down within me revealed my own role in diluting myself and making myself so small that I was barely visible to the world. Then came the grief. The shame. The absolute disgust with myself and the life that I have lived with my head gently tucked beneath the soft, safe cotton covers. Using that thin membrane of seemingly peaceful shelter, draped with denial, the decision to hand out invitations for my own oppression was made.

I didn't know it yet but those 9,125 days that I spent buried safely in my own sheet and pillow fort were all building up to the moment that it would be mercifully torched to the ground. All that time I was beckoning a call to my deepest and truest self to wake up and see the ugliness that has built up around the outside of my fort. It was time for me to hold space for the truth so I called it in with all my power, from beneath those light sheets of mine. I was drunk on courage.

The truth steamrolled in, running over my life and my reality, as it does when one calls it in with such fervor, but it was not the end of anything. It was only the beginning and the discoveries that were on their way, close by and ready to unravel within, would paint the surfaces they were called in to paint. The surfaces they were meant to cover with their authentic truth and importance. After the fire within me raged and destroyed as much as it could, after the skies rained ash and the sun disappeared, when the thoughts that would usually get swallowed found their voice, when the space I had confined myself to exploded outward with no bounds, that is when the excitement of becoming met the tension of unbecoming. That is when my body hit the ground and disintegrated before my very eyes. That is when I chose to rise like a phoenix.

I have been met with many destabilizing and uncomfortable realizations in this life. Perhaps the most horrific to come to my attention was the realization that I have been giving myself away, in teeny tiny pieces, to people who neither deserved those pieces, earned those pieces, nor had a right to those pieces. You see, those were my pieces to give away, but I was never meant to give them away to someone outside of myself. The fear of going through this life, through this unforgiving world, without being loved, without being accepted, and without being supported by someone outside of myself, left me feeling empty. Worthless. Unlovable.

The longer I waited for salvation, for redemption, for oxygen to flow through my lungs, the longer I believed that I couldn't attain any of it until someone gave it to me. Until someone gave me permission to feel loved. Until someone gave me permission to be loveable. Until someone proved to myself and the world that there were things within me worth loving and celebrating.

I waited for 9,125 days for someone outside of me to tell me I was worthy enough to be my full, authentic, extraordinary self in this life. But on that 9,126th day, I woke up to a fire that could only go out on its own. A fire that would end up simmering within me for the rest of eternity. A fire that can never be extinguished; not by any exterior force, not by any other human or being, and certainly not by myself. Not anymore. I waited 9,125 days for that fire to be born inside of me and I called out to Gods I did not worship for the truth to be ignited beneath my world because although I knew nothing of the painful truths within the walls that would soon be engulfed in the flames of justice and universal balance, I longed for their existence. My own depended upon it.

My fires have not yet gone out, as they simmer on with the help of an unrelenting truth and a never-ending journey into the ash that it creates. That ash is the life, the world, and the reality that pushed down on me like the pressure of an inner explosion. The truth that I begged and prayed on my hands and knees for was the spark that lit the flame. The flame that solicited the explosion. The explosion that rearranged my world, my being, and my energy.

Now I am bigger, bolder, and hotter than ever before. I have scorched through the layers of untruth that have been told to me, by others and myself. I am liberated from the need to trade abuse for tiny drops of love and acceptance. I am no longer chained down by the belief that whatever form of love, no matter how tainted and poisoned it may be, will quench my thirst for worthiness. I don't need false or fraudulent love to define my worth for me. I don't need a fragile man, who hates himself with overwhelming shame, to dish out partial, plastic rations of love and whisper to me that the more perfect I become, the more love he will give me. I don't need the acceptance and validation of anyone to feel loved and accepted within my own being. Not the person who judges all from their sheltered tower, not the person who casts shadows over others because they think they must dim all the light around them to experience their own shine. And most certainly not the person who thinks that no matter how selfish and hateful they are, I am bound to continue working myself to the bone to extract love from them. I don't want their love. I want mine!

So I end this dramatic yet powerful piece on a simple note: where there is love, true and empathetic love, I will never feel as though I must lessen or extinguish the flames of my fire. Where there is kind and compassionate love, I will never feel as though I must be better to earn it. Where there is vulnerable and authentic love, I will never EVER have to question my own truth or my own self to feel it. Not for a single moment. I will feel safe enough to embrace the truth within, no matter how hot the flames burn. I will feel supported enough to know that I am worthy, just as I am. I will feel seen and accepted enough to know that there is never a thought or a feeling that arises within me that is not meant for this world to hold.

How do I know what this love is supposed to look and feel like? Because on the day that my entire being burst into flames, I was met by a small girl sitting crosslegged in the dead center of the flames with her head bowed in reverence. When I asked her who she was and how she was still alive, she replied with an unwavering voice, "I am you, and nothing can keep me from showing up for you. Not even the flames of hell are enough to burn through the love I have for you. The scorching heat and yellowish-orange glow of revolution reunite us once more. If you sit down with me in the middle of these flames and take my hand, I promise that I will never leave your side". So I sat down with her and now I get to carry pure love with me everywhere I go. I don't need to search for it, beg for it, or trade my worth in for it. I am me, and nothing can keep me from me.

I AM LOVE!

The Day to Dine With Death Has Dawned

 Death and rebirth are no strangers to me. I have hosted death in my own home, uninvited but eventually welcomed. I sat across from him, stared into his deep and lifeless eyes, and faced the burden in my mind and my soul of the truth that is to come to us all eventually. The truth is that we all die many times within ourselves while our body still breathes and our heart still beats. We die, again and again, reduced to ash within our hollow bodies and transformed through a gentle process of healing, where we are eventually born into a new version of ourselves. Alive and true. It happens more for some and less for others. Sometimes it leaves us more powerful and true than before, sometimes it leaves us exhausted and weak, in need of more deaths until we decide to pick ourselves up again. We wake up each day and sometimes we know that it's coming and sometimes we don't. We cannot control when and how we die within, but we can control how we are reborn. Sometimes being reborn is the only option and sometimes it is harder than life itself to get back up and carry on. Lucky for you, I sat down with death and he told me all his secrets.

We wake up one day, usually unaware of the soul death that is coming our way. The day seems oddly normal, perhaps even joyous and bright! We grab a breakfast sandwich from the cafe and we label it a treat because we got to abandon our regular oatmeal or smoothie and fill up on something delicious and not made by us. The sky is already bright even though it is only 8 AM. People are hustling around you, moving from place to place as they always do. Nothing gives you the slightest idea of what lies ahead until the energy drops and things shift immediately. The news breaks and you know that you have no choice but to walk away and leave a world behind entirely. You may teeter for a bit, in shock and attempting to grasp at anything coming your way for stability, but eventually, it sinks in that the woman you woke up as earlier that morning, the woman who ate her sandwich and stared at the commuters thinking nothing but, "I hope they feel loved", is now dead and a new you must take her place. There is no going back, it is instantaneous. She is gone and the only way from here is forward.

There will be a period of shock. For some, it could last hours and for others, days. Already your mind and body begin to prepare for the birth of a new you from the ashes that you are currently sweeping and tending to. Your stomach purges, your eyes clear your soul of all the heaviness that has been cooped up for years and years. Your adrenaline pumps and your blood courses through your body, hot and thick. You begin to form a plan and percolate the steps that must be taken. There is a long road ahead of you, but somehow you know that this brush with death will sink all the way through eventually, just as it has time and time again, and you will peak out from the soil, on your way to a much bigger and brighter bloom. For now, however, you are saturated in pain and grief. Buried under a heavy coat of land. The blooming feels an eternity away and the pain can begin to set in as the shock wears off. Unbearable. Unconscionable. The darkness and depth without the sun is devastating.

The quiet of your home plants nightmares in your mind that won't cease. The images come floating by, without warning and unwelcome. Life becomes about filling your time and you can struggle to balance feeling the pain with surviving and caring for yourself. Numbing to a certain degree is helpful, especially if you are struggling to get out of bed each morning. But you must face the pain and carving out the space to feel safe enough to feel is what will bring you to your healing journey as soon as possible! So, reluctantly you oscillate between feeling total despair, sinking into your heavy, uncomfortable, and painful emotions, and carrying on. You go to work and suddenly have more energy to put into each task and movement. You somehow have the motivation to work harder than ever before. You cry when it comes, you feel angry when the heat surges, and you smile at each and every minuscule thing that presents itself because smiles are a precious resource at this time. They carry you in the moments that you can't catch your breath. They ground you in the absurdity of it all.

You continue to care for yourself the best that you can. You clean up around your space, you shower and moisturize, and you prepare food that nourishes your body. You have no choice in this matter, you are your only hope at surviving, and caring for yourself is the least you can do at a time when you are so tender and vulnerable to the world around you. The moments come and go, the despair is countered more frequently by friendly faces and warm embraces. Before you know it, you instinctually find yourself drawn to people and places that bring you such warm and uplifting love. You surround yourself with softness and comfort, you give yourself more breaks than ever before, and you tend to your wounds and bruises like an angel sent from above with only that as their task. You surprise yourself more with each breath, at the sheer strength and capacity to process, not to mention the willingness and discipline it takes to decide to show up for yourself and take care, rather than give up and bury yourself under a pile of can't and won't. 

You could have given up on yourself like the world seemingly had. You could have decided not to move forward. But you knew that there were better things ahead. After all, if this death released you from the mirage that was never truly the dream you had in your heart, that means it is still out there somewhere. Probably sipping tea in a small cafe pondering the same dreams. You begin to realize that what felt like death and a final ending of something that belonged to you, was actually you holding onto the wrong thing. Usually disguised for learning purposes, you were actually saved from taking a wrong turn by fate with only moments to spare. How lucky are you?

This thing that you thought you lost, this dream that had seemed to perish before you, was lost so that you could find yourself once more. Because darling, you were lost before you died. Before you lost a piece of your heart, before you entered the world of grief and healing, you were already lost and needing a new start. You needed to die and be reborn long before life stepped in and handed you the tools. And while the loss remains as is and deserves just as much honor as your own sacred journey, it is now time to be reborn. You can choose to ball up on the floor and cry until your eyes run dry, but you will always be faced with the choice to stand up and be taller than before. Don't you want that for yourself? 

Now you are beginning to understand the importance of such a heavy and volatile time. You might be able to feel the energy rising within you, like a kettle heating above a freshly sparked flame. It is time to gestate and heal, to be reborn into this world a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger, and a whole lot more closer to your true and authentic self. It will be messy. It will be scary. It will be harder than quite possibly anything you have ever experienced until this point, but you will move through the dark and heavy soil towards the light and you will rise tall and proud once more, reaping the harvest of the seeds of healing. And that dream that you thought had died too? The loss that hit you like the wall of a storm never intended to kill your dreams. It was placed in your path to kill the part of you that was holding you back from your own dreams. It was set loose on your life, wreaking havoc in the name of destiny and the highest good for all, just for you. Just for the dream you hold so dearly. 

When tragedy hits, when betrayal or loss strikes, you will fall down, crumble into pieces, and die. But that is the point and purpose in it all, for when death comes along and dines with you, he intends to shake your world up. He intends to take the life that you thought was meant for you and redirect you to the life that illustrates your deepest dreams using golden and pink hues. Death intends to keep you from settling for anything less than magical and what you truly deserve. So remember that when death comes knocking and you let him in, be sure to ask him all the questions you want to be answered. Tell him of your deepest and truest dreams. Watch as the colors around you become saturated with warmth and the feelings in your gut grow stronger and more true. Death never shows up empty-handed and the night is long and winding, but the morning that follows is filled with a brighter and deeper sense of being in all ways you could ever imagine! 

When death comes knocking, please let him in. Let him tell you of the life that is planned that you would have unknowingly passed upon if you had not answered the door. Let death teach you of fate and truth, let him hold you as you cry, crippled by pain and grief. Let him sing to you as you find love and peace once more. But most importantly, let death come back again. Even if you know it brings pain, even if you know it is such a long and tiresome journey back to life again, let him come and bring you a new world for his novelty will bring you to people and places you never felt worthy enough to ask for. Once you arrive here you will look back on your death with reverence and majesty; a life well lived and a whole life yet to come. All because you let death in that fateful day. All because you watched yourself die once more, knowing full well it was time. All because you knew it was the only way. Take your steps forward and never look back. The life that died has been buried and exists no more. You are safe, you are free, you are on your way to bigger and better things. Let death show you the way, he has all the good trails mapped out, and most importantly, he knows how high the mountain truly goes. What you thought was your view spot and turn around point was actually another leap up. 

Clink your glass with his and know that by killing you, however painful and horrible it was, death was the only way to save your life. 

A Funeral by the Sea

 I once knew a soul that was as kind as could be and found me just in time. They were lighthearted and full of play, curious about the universe around them, and trusting of the world with eyes big and bold. Truth was always the answer and joy was the means to arrive there. They considered all that was around them. Observant and fair, they watched the world spin day after day, never ceasing to learn something new. Something profound that would change their world as they knew it. 

Their heart was bigger than their mind, encompassing more than they knew. Capable of cultivating a love so bright that it blinded them from understanding the extent of their shine. How could such a beautiful and expansive being know nothing of their light, yet see the sometimes near-invisible light in all that is? They were far more worthy than what they knew. Mistreated by others and the world, they retreated into their own to heal and were secretly even more beautiful in their times of spiral and darkness. Even their shadows felt of great power and importance, like the leap to step back into the light would make that person even more loving and strong, if only they knew. 

This person was caring, considerate, and empathetic with natural grace and ease, directing the flow of love from some mysterious, heavenly source into the hearts and minds of those who crossed their path. They were poetic and filled with the majesty and royalty of the divine, entrancing their space and identity with purple light and a warmth that radiates from their skin. They were something I tried for so long to capture, to learn from, to become inspired by. 

Until this person died, I had no idea who they really were. I set their limp and lifeless body onto a cedar pyre built for the end of this being's life and I gently pushed it out to sea without a tear in my eye or a thought in my mind. Finally, there was silence within as I watched the floating pyre drift further and further into the rising, blazing sun. A single tear fell peacefully from an otherwise dry eye, I drew back and paused pensively. A deep breath of salty air filled my lungs with love and my grip ceased to hold. The arrow flew, aflame and angry with passion, striking the pyre in a matter of moments. The cedar caught fire and became a bright and burning mass before my bow hit the ground. I turned and began to walk away from the water's edge, no words or prayers needed. For I watched their burning body disappear just moments ago, and I knew that this being was gone. 

But the soul that I saw the world in? The soul that caressed me with healing love and showed me to a place of life inside once more, the soul that helped me to align all of who I am and solidify her in proper gold? Well, it turns out they were but a reflection of my own. An imposter that only knew how to show me my own. So instead of having a funeral for the being that burned out at sea, I had a christening. A ceremony that dedicated all of the love and all of the credit I gave to someone who didn't exist, back to its rightful place. Back to me. Because it was always just a reflection of me. Every feeling, every beautiful thing I experienced and admired, and every drop of magic I felt was coming from me. Drawn out by a soul who only knew how to reflect mine, but never how to be love in their own. And you know what I hold my glass up to in celebration today? The death of a fatal belief that would have killed me if I did not push it out to sea first. 

It was always my own love, it was always me. 

The Age of the Dark Night

 I have a superpower. I cannot fly, I am not bulletproof, I do not have iron fists. I don't shoot webs out of my wrists, or swing from building to building. I don't fight crime, I don't save children from burning buildings, and I most certainly do not know how to wield a weapon. But I have a superpower that is perhaps the greatest gift of them all. It guides me when I am lost, reminds me how to come back to love when I have tilted way too far towards fear, and it connects me to all I meet, all I love, and all there is. I am not the only one with this power. In fact, we all have it and we all struggle to understand it. It can weigh us down like a ton of bricks, but it can also connect us to the Big Love that we spend our lifetimes cultivating. It is the secret to understanding relationships, friendships, enemies, misunderstandings, and accidents. It is the antidote to loss, grief, suffering, injustice, and evil. It is a golden gift to us humans, the source - and reflection - of such harrowing pain. It is empathy. It is superhuman.

If you've ever watched or read a superhero story, you know that there is often great suffering and challenge as both the birthplace and collateral of such amazing superhuman abilities. There is usually some level of personal difficulty that paves way for the abilities to emerge, or to encourage the individual to indulge in such strange and mysterious powers. Aside from profound suffering and a lifetime of struggle, this hero is made just that through endurance, pure will power, and most importantly, the responsibility that comes with their superpower. 

The responsibility. "With great power comes great responsibility" was once said by the very person that inspired Spider-man's journey to become the humble hero and vibrant vigilante of the streets of NYC. Those words were life-changing for Peter Parker and they hold such weight and value when it comes to empathy, too. Empathy is a great power. It also comes with such great responsibility. There is not one without the other, just ask Spider-Man.

You may be wondering why empathy is considered a superpower in my world. Well, my friends, it gives you the precious and golden ability to place yourself in another's shoes. To feel WITH another, to be WITH another, on levels that transcend the physical and ego. You aren't just feeling bad for someone, you are feeling bad with someone. That connects you on levels that you cannot even see, and that will change the world. We are not meant to do this alone. The struggle, the challenge, the conflict, the hurt. We are not meant to bear it alone, to hold it in silence as it rips through our insides. We are not meant to die in sadness or despair, to feel lost and unloved. We are not meant to do this alone. The darkness is no match for the dimly lit light of a hundred hearts that burn in passion for your pain. Life is a circle, everything always comes back to the beginning. To the fact that we are not meant to be alone in this world. We need each other. 

Empathy is a gift that we all contain. A magical, wonderful thing that allows us to feel connected, seen, and understood by others. This gives us the ability to know love and to know comfort in such a dark world that finds us all afraid from time to time. This is bigger than all of the wealth in the world. Something this big, something this powerful, comes with an equal amount of responsibility. Empathy gives us the gift of connecting to the joy, love, and even the pain within others. While that puts us in a place where we are not alone, where we can feel understood and cared for as well as provide that for others, it also sets up the cruelest of mirrors, directly in front of our innocent eyes. This mirror shows us the pain, the hurt, and the wounds that lie within us. That is why I believe so many people pass up the gift of empathy. They bury it so deep, they sometimes can't even remember where they hid it. Years will go by and the feeling of being understood and loved for all you are is a distant memory. The person that needed empathy the most has given up their power to use it; because the responsibility was too much. The pain was too much. Feeling it all was too much. The power that was going to save them, well, it scared them. It was too much. I'll tell you why, and then I'll tell you why it's not. 

Some people walk this earth holding an unfair, monstrous amount of pain. Most of us have buried experiences, feelings, and even traumas just to function in this life. We did it to survive. Our instincts to survive coarse through our body like an invisible part of our DNA, ingrained in our being. These instincts to survive come forth, even when we are impervious to it. It could be years - or even decades - later before we realize we buried something deep within, just to keep moving forward. This is who we are as humans, but it isn't who we are as souls. As a soul, as a spirit, as a celestial being, we hold onto everything that is not recognized and integrated. If you haven't processed something, it is not because you do not need to, but rather because your human instincts have buried it deep within your psyche, deep within your soul, in a box that is labeled, Pandora. But this box still lives within you. It will follow you until it is opened and all its contents are released. Until it is recognized for what it is, what it gave you, what it took from you, and how it left you. Until all of that is integrated into the person that was meant to grow from the contents of that box. To heal, to learn, to love themselves deeper than ever before. 

When we look into each other's hearts, with loving and caring eyes, we are searching for innocence and humility. We are looking to feel the parts of one another that leave us feeling connected, understood, and loved. We are looking to cure the feeling of solitude and the loneliness that comes with the complexity of our emotional body and the experiences that splatter it with darkness. We are looking to feel safe. To feel loved. But what we often find, is the inevitable pain in others that remind us of the box we buried within our own, long, long ago. We don't want to think of this box. We don't want to see it, we don't want to remember that it exists. It is challenging to even remind yourself of the events that built you by first tearing you down, especially if the rebuilding has been nonexistent or persistently challenging. We are afraid to look into each other's eyes because we are afraid of what might be reflected back to us. 

When I look into your eyes, my sweet friends, I see the pain. The pain that has yet to be held gently, cradled with love and reverence, healed and released from the box. Turned into love for yourself and for life. I feel the pain that has been ignored, kept hidden, chained away from the light of reality. This only reminds me of the pain that has been hidden within myself. The pain that I fear, on the deepest levels of my being, will tear me down indefinitely. The mirror that is your eyes reflect a world of secret pain. It lives in my body and it wreaks havoc on my soul. It is connected to all of the beliefs that have somehow made this journey with me, softly whispering in my ear, "you will not make it any further". 

You see, this great responsibility that comes with empathy is really just a reflection into your own being. A unique and painful view of the parts of you that hurt and cry, like a scared little child. When I see your child, screaming and crying for love, for release from the pain that they have endured, I feel my inner child respond. The part of me that is innocent and just wants to feel loved. And when she does respond to the call of pain, I feel weak and unreliable. I feel unsteady and unsure. I feel confused and chaotic. But you know what your child told me when I saw them so vulnerable and wounded? They told me that I am not alone. They told me that there is pain deep within them that needs love and the same thing exists within me. They said that, together, we can face what makes us ache deep into our soul. That we can shine our light on it, reveal it, and heal it. We can love it until it stops throbbing, and love ourselves until the bleeding stops. 

These wounds we have hidden, the pain we have stored in our little, tiny box within will be addressed at some point. That is the inevitable part of existence. The sooner it is opened and seen for all it is, the sooner you will find yourself and the innate joy that shines out from within you. The sooner you will feel the full extent of love that you most certainly are meant to experience. Take my words as you will, but know that this is always easier, better, and a whole lot more beautiful with empathy. With connection. With somebody who understands. 

We are all these magnificent creatures, walking around with the weight of our world resting heavily on our sweet and innocent shoulders. Empathy may be difficult and challenging, it may reveal the bugs in you that have found solace in the darkness, away from your conscious eye. But it is far more extraordinary and freeing to see these critters and the darkness they inhabit for what they are. To integrate the things they are meant to teach you and then let them out into the world as truth and as love. But most importantly, to release the pain that keeps you from feeling more love and joy in this life. 

As a superhero, you will see the parts of life - and yourself - that are far harder to hold than you know. But as a superhero, you will get to swing to such great heights with the most amazing of views and swing through the world that brings awe to your entire body. Empathy is your superpower. It may not be your only ability, but it is perhaps your most precious and sacred one. It is a great power and with great power comes great responsibility. The responsibility of seeing what truly lies within, of facing the darkness that is easily buried. The responsibility of feeling that same darkness exist and torment others, those you love and care about deeply. The responsibility of knowing your own pain so that you may sit with those you love and their pain.

In the end, however, that responsibility is actually a gift in itself. Although it makes your world heavy and uncomfortable at times, know that the ability to feel ever so deeply, the pain and the pleasures of life, is a priceless gem. Don't take my word for it though, discover your superpower and know that you, my loves, are never alone. Not even in the dark.

The Truth in the Stillness Sets You Free

With all of this free time that I have suddenly found and all of the outer forces pressing in on me with such unrelenting pressure, I am left with few options of how to spend my days. I usually start off with waking up and feeling this strange sense of urgency to begin, but I have no plans and nowhere to be. I get out of bed, straighten up, get dressed, and feed myself. Sometimes I'll meditate, spend some time focusing on my breath and the stillness of my mind. Sometimes I'll get my yoga mat out and find that mind-body connection through movement and breath. Other times, I will paint, listen to podcasts, read, or journal. No matter which activity I choose, when I chose it, or how it makes me feel, I don't ever feel like it is enough.

During periods of high anxiety or stress in my life, I have always found comfort and safety in doing. Filling my time with this and that, moving at one million miles per hour, too busy to sit still and feel the electric buzz that fuels my manic movements. Perhaps it is how I burn off energy when there is too much inside my body, or maybe it is a way to distract myself from dealing with the root of my anxiety. This kind of intense movement and doing has a tendency to fuel my nervous system as it over-functions. I have been surviving through periods of stress and anxious tension by burning myself out until I have nothing left to give. Until my body falls limp and my mind breaks. This is not the time to do this. In fact, I believe this might be the time to finally face the way my body buzzes and the way my mind melts when life is just too much for one moment. Perhaps it is time for me to learn how to stop over-functioning and focusing on doing, and learn how to simply be. But to simply be means to sit with all that my over-functioning has covered up and kept me from feeling.

This is only just the beginning of my climb. Deciding that the idea of being present with my mind and emotions might be healthier, more calming, and more supportive for me than doing all I can to avoid, is just the first step. Noticing what needs to change is the point at which you climb from. The mountain is now in front of you, big and bold. You see your path upward to the peak, now its time to start the climbing and hiking. Upward you go! This climb for me is all about exposing and facing the things about myself that have fueled my manic need to do and burn. The climb is the part where I sit still, for once in my life, and brace myself for the flood of all that has been trying to be seen and felt, trying to flow out, leaving me with the truth of how I feel about myself.

How I feel about myself. That is the dark night that falls upon me hastily as I make my way to the top of this mountain. It's funny. In all of the running around that I do, all of the unnecessary worrying, planning, rearranging, cleaning, and achieving, I have never had to actually sit still, with just my thoughts about myself and what I feel and think about myself. There has always been something, someone, someplace that needed me. That needed my over-functioning capabilities. There has always been something, someone, or someplace that I put before myself. That I choose to put my energy into before I put that energy into a much-needed conversation with myself.

The first few weeks of this isolation have taught me how to take care of myself first because my health depends on it. Because I am the only one that is responsible for my life and the only one who can care for myself. If I don't change the way my energy flows and redirect most of it back into myself and my own care, I will surely suffer because of it. That part was easy. It was almost instinctual! The hard part is proving to be facing my own relationship with myself and not just the relationship I believe I should have, or the relationship I am trying to achieve. It is time for me to see the real ways that I have learned how to treat myself, how to talk to myself, how to have expectations for myself. It is all about everything I have held as true up until this point and all of the ways those beliefs have affected the habits I have formed and the ways that I view myself. That is the vertical climb. That is the foot that slips and the rocks that tumble down to the ground as you watch with fear. There is no turning back, what has been discovered cannot be unseen or ignored. The only way out is through. Through the perfectionism, through the meltdowns, through the exhaustion and restlessness. Through the moments where I look in the mirror and see someone who is never enough. Someone who fails at everything she does, someone who pleases others at the expense of herself, who can please everyone but herself.

I have to hike through that dark and forbidden forest of disappointment in self because it exists between me and the top of my mountain. Those trees of doubt and insecurity were planted a very long time ago and I must see them all to know that it is not where I wish to remain. I must hike through the forest of desolation if I want to keep going. It is the only thing that separates me from the most beautiful view of the world and of life. I owe it to myself to keep on hiking and climbing, even through the hardships that will arise, unexpected and sour as they may be. I have already committed to this mountain and to this journey because ironically, I know that I am worth it. I know that I don't wish to feel this way about myself any longer and the conditioning must be undone. I must be unraveled and unwoven if I want to reweave my relationship with myself. This is my journey. This is me.

The Revolution Is Upon Us

I don't know about you, but almost every day feels completely different than the one before. While some thoughts and emotions carry over through my dreamless slumber, others drift off. Far enough to leave me for now, far enough to leave me forever. The circumstances of our lives are existing on roller skates at this time and every day that the sun rises, who knows what it could bring with it. While a lot of what could come is unknown and quite intimidating, I feel there is also a section of the unknown that houses the original and authentic magic that comes along with ambiguity, ever so naturally. That can exist, even amongst the fear and the lack of information and answers. The fear and the excitement of the unknown can co-exist, it's just a matter of which one we give all the power to.

An idea that has been circulating in my universe for the last 24 hours is that of us entering a new stage of this part of our lives. While the first couple of weeks were filled with adrenaline, survival instincts, and basic human fears, I believe it is time for us to graduate naturally into a new state of temporary and permanent building. Life has dropped us all of somewhere for the time being, whether we like it or not. It is now our job to move from protecting and surviving into stabilizing and grounding. Our lives have been uprooted, rerouted, and unplugged in many unique, individual ways. While all of our subjective experiences may differ, slightly or greatly, the collective experience of upheaval and anxiety can unite us on a front that we may not have fully considered until the stress and urgency of the original moments begin to fade... until now.

Today we are deeper into our new ways of living. Keeping separate from others, without touch or physical connection with those outside of our household, keeping a distance from others but somehow zooming back in on our own lives. Some of us have more time to spend with our loved ones, others have more time to spend with themselves. With nature. With the parts of life that cannot be bought or franchised. I live alone which means my household consists of just me. I haven't had physical contact with anyone in over three weeks. For some, that may feel lonely. For others, it is medicinal. Sometimes I wish I could just be hugged, sometimes I am happy to be with just myself. There is no right or wrong way to process what has changed, what is missing, or what has been gained. It comes in moments and then is gone. Like the ebb and flow of the salty, seductive waves that I have turned to for healing my entire life, my body is back to its natural flow. It always has and especially now, belongs to just me. My energy belongs to just me. My life is just my own. I know I will be hugged and held again one day soon, but for now, I am grateful.

So what is this next stage? You know, the one that follows the humanistic, instinctual need to survive. The one that greets us after the first stage left us all frayed and burnt out. Teetering between sanity and total shattering. Hoarding TP and clearing out grocery stores in hours. This next stage is much more generous on our bodies, much lighter for our hearts, and a whole lot safer for our minds. It is the stage of building. While we may not be able to rebuild our world or our lives with a clear ending to this madness and destruction, it is safe to say that we have a temporary home between the ending and the beginning. We are living in the middle ground that any spiritual philosopher will preach to you as the answer to that which you have been asking for. I am not here to tell you how the middle ground will build you up or give you what you need to grow. Instead, I am here to introduce to you, the idea to build on this middle ground. To create a home here. To nest, making your life more comfortable. We are on a long journey that doesn't quite have a perfect ending in sight. We don't need to be filled with adrenaline-fueled panic anymore, but perhaps we do need to begin laying down a new foundation.

Life is asking us to settle into our new lives for the time being. It will take time for human health and society to rebound and the worst is still yet to come for my nation and community. With all of that in mind, I have been feeling incredibly inspired to nest. To care for my space and myself, but instead of doing it with the intention of just survival, I am shifting my intention to stabilization. While things are constantly changing and it is hard to build a solid foundation on moving ground, think like a boat. Build a structure for your life, build habits that will carry you through this time and possibly even directly into your future. Build a space you can begin to thrive in. Survival is a basic human nature but thriving is the nature of our soul. We need more than just survival for this length of time.

Building this new foundation for your life, taking into account the rocky, moving waters around you and the new way of doing things you have always done without thought, means being curious about how you can approach new ways of living and being. It means being innovative and open to trying new things. It means coming at certain struggles or ways of being with a new angle or a new approach entirely! It means taking what you have now, the way your life has shifted and the way that you must care for yourself in this moment, and building off of that. Building something sturdy, something sustainable, something grounding.

For me, that means finding new ways to entertain myself and exploring new ways of connecting to others. It means I can get rid of anything and everything that was centered around efficiency and replace it with sustainability. With new ways of living that are actually much more authentic and grounding for myself. The world is wounded and we are all being called to slow down. What does this mean for you in the long run? Because that is what we are in. A marathon. A marathon in which we do not know the distance but we must continue on the path, anyway! So we slow our pace and we find a new way of living in this middle space. A new way of rooting ourselves back into life, in our own way and in our own time. No rush. No bullshit. Just authenticity.

While we are given this time to slow down and care for ourselves and our life, we may still need to channel most of that energy into staying afloat. That is ABSOLUTELY OKAY!! If you are ready to settle into a different way of living, start with your habits. Start with the things that you don't have to do anymore and let them show you what you want to replace that time, space, and energy with in your life. Start with the things you have always wanted to do but never had the time. Let this new energy, this new way of living and being, give you the room to change what you focus your personal resources on. Your time, your energy, your love, etc. You are in control of your nest and your state of being. Do what you need to do to be ok and as soon as you feel ready, do want you want to do to feel alive. To feel content. To feel like yourself again.

May we discover the things in life, the people, experiences, habits, activities, etc. that bring us true joy! That help us bloom in this world and connect to our authentic selves. May we all feel safe enough to create a foundation. One that will carry us through this and onto the otherside. One that will usher us into the new life that is waiting for us when the sun rises once more. When we are ready to stand back up and keep going on this marathon journey, there is a golden opportunity for us to infuse our lives with what brings us the most joy and the most connection. We can start this now! We can begin to build a new life for ourselves, even if we are alone. Even if we haven't felt the touch of another human in weeks. Even if we are in self-isolation or quarantine. We can build the foundation that the rest of our lives can play off of. We can build a connection to ourselves and to life that society has overshadowed or disintegrated. We can do this now. Or at least, we can try.

The Tower and The Sun

There is a tarot card that exists, one of the major arcana, that perfectly sums up many parts of life at the moment that might otherwise be hard to grasp. Think of it as a metaphor for what is happening to us all, to our society and our world. It is The Tower. Some of you who are reading this may already be familiar with the card. You've felt it in previous parts of your life or maybe you are a reader and you have had to explain it to others, on occasion. The Tower card is probably one of the most daunting, misleading cards in the entire deck. Being a major arcana, it represents a huge part of your life. Something that is not, by any means, minuscule or temporary. Its effects can be felt so profoundly throughout your life, and through transformation, you are forever changed. At a molecular level.

The Tower card usually depicts a structure. That's right, you guessed it. It's a tower!!!! The tower is usually on fire, sometimes being struck by lightning. It is illustrated to look like a collapsing structure. Something you would watch happen almost in slow motion. Bricks are falling, huge chunks tearing off the side. Destruction. Annihilation. This structure is forever changed. No longer standing tall and sturdy, no longer shaped the same. Completely falling apart until nothing is left. Perhaps this is why the card is so very intimidating.

In life, structures crumble. It begins with cracks in the foundation. The longer the structure stands, the more exhausted it becomes. Especially if it is no longer suitable. Especially if there is a much better, stronger structure to be built in its place. When the foundation is not right, when the structure has lost its sturdiness in life and needs to be completely transformed, it must come down. The thing with this principle in life, it is incredibly difficult to not only realize when a structure needs to be demolished but also to tear it down yourself. That is where the storm comes in.

Lightning and thunder pound the structure. The wind and the rain weaken the already decrepit walls. Stone by stone, piece by piece, it pulverizes as it smashes into the earth. Back to where it came from. There isn't much one can do, once the tower begins to crack. We may try to mend the pieces, but eventually, it gets out of control. It was always out of our control, though. It was always going to fall. The structure you once knew, once lived in, once was sheltered by, is no more. It is rubble on the ground. Dust in the air. No way of being revived. Swept away. Only empty space left.

This empty space is your chance to transform. The structure that once stood there has fallen apart completely, and in that experience, revealed itself and all of its blunders that caused it to form cracks in the first place. The crashing down has left you shaken and in shock. Change is not easy. Destruction is not pretty. But it is beautiful. It is necessary. Now you are left with a clean slate, a white canvas, a fresh start. Transformation occurs. The decaying structure has been done away with and the sun comes out once more, shining its golden rays upon the bare land you now have before you. This is what your soul has asked for. This is your chance to build a brand new structure. Taking into account what you learned from the previous one, this tower can be bigger. It can be stronger, brighter, better. It can have more space for what you now know about yourself. It can create new memories and dreams, house more tools for your next adventures. This tower can be built like the last one, eventually wearing out once more and finding its final resting place on the ground in too many pieces. Or, it can be built with the wisdom you now have within you, the strength you have discovered, and the will to create something new. It can transform.

The Tower card is about destruction and endings, but it is also about remembering that we will rebuild eventually. It is about balancing the nonlinear experience of grieving what has fallen, what has changed, what has been lost, with the chance to transform and rebuild your structure. Your life, your experience, your relationship, your heart. It is about beginning the long and strenuous journey of clearing out, cleaning up, mourning, accepting, and getting to work on your next tower that shall stand in the place of what has been swept out from under you. It proves that grief and hope are the yin and the yang of our emotional experience. Grieving what we have lost, what has changed, what is no more, is something we cannot escape. It will happen, whether we fight it with all our might or welcome it with desperate, weak arms. Grieving needs to happen. It is how we work through and understand our emotional, mental, and spiritual response to what has fallen apart. It is how we show up for ourselves and care for ourselves. Things will always fall apart, to make space for what is to come. Hope is the other half of how we heal. It is how we stand up after sobbing on the floor. How we decide to carry on. It is how we paint the vision of what will be built in the space that has now become free. It is how we get to the place where we finally allow ourselves to dream up our new structure. Our structure has already begun building itself as soon as the old one hit the ground.

Destruction allows us to let go. Let go of control, of expectations, of plans and ideas that no longer serve our highest good. Clearing out the debris and mourning what has fallen allows us to grieve, to feel, to understand what moves through our body like waves in the ocean. Hope allows us to dream. Dreaming allows us to rebuild, eventually. All of these things come together to help us accept where we are at right now. To accept the things we cannot control. The changes we cannot stop from sweeping over our lives. The towers we cannot stop from crumbling. The structures we cannot stop from falling and dissolving back into the earth. We cannot change what our reality consists of, sometimes. Especially right now. There is nothing we can do to control the uncontrollable.

The Tower card has fallen right into our laps. Face up. Destruction staring directly into our eyes. The structures in our lives are disintegrating. Changing. Swaying. Threatening to collapse. I begged my tower to fall because I know that is the only way I will get to rebuild. Don't give up on your dreams, friends. Please! Your structures are not crashing down below you to take you down with it. They are transforming into dust like the Phoenix burns to ash. Giving you the space, the material, and the opportunity to build something new. To rise as someone new. This is not the time to flush your dreams and lose all hope. It is quite the opposite. The destruction of our structures is a clean and clear message: have hope for what is to come and have a dream in your back pocket. Once the dust has settled and the debris has been cleared, it will be time to pull out those blueprints. The ones you have been dreaming up but never understood how you would get there. How you could build it. You will soon have the space and the materials you need to build that dream tower. To build your life the way YOU want it to be. The way you may not have thought was possible until now. Until destruction birthed a new reality. One that needs all of us, all of the artists within us, to create our new worlds. Our new structures.

So dream on, but don't discount your grief. Like I said, grieving and hoping go hand in hand. The good in the bad and the bad in the good. The yin and the yang. You may tumble back and forth between the two, experiencing highs and lows. Moments of pure inspiration where you are filled with the desire to design what your new world can look like. Moments of absolute emotional destitution where you are filled with the pain and sorrow of what has been lost. Those moments may weigh heavily on you, convincing you to give in or give up. I promise you this, love: the hope will always, ALWAYS come back around. I know this because it is in our nature to fall apart and be reborn. It is what we do, over and over again. When you are feeling up to it, take some space to dream of what your future can hold, once the world is ready to rebuild. Dream of what makes your soul soar and your heart flutter with magic! Imagine where you could go with what you are learning about yourself and your world at this time. Your destiny is asking you to dream of a brighter day and to hold onto it tightly so that when it comes time for you to begin building a new world and a new self, you will have found out that just because your tower fell, your dreams were not destroyed in the rubble. No, not at all. Your dreams, my sweet friends, are being reborn. The sun will come out, the warm light will reflect off of your skin, shining and showing the path that lies before you. We are all being called to transform. Can you feel it?