All That You'll Ever Need

For quite some time now, I have been searching tirelessly for love. For the meaning of love, the feeling of love, people to love, and much more. Love was something I took for granted growing up. It was also the source of my deepest wounds, although that wouldn't be discovered until I was much older. Until now.

Love was something that I always believed in but never understood. I knew that I craved it, I also knew that I deserved more of it. I searched in each and every person I met for love that I might be able to fill myself with. I am a very loving and friendly person. I don't like to hurt others and my favorite thing about myself is the love that I can give. But with those positive parts of who I am also come the challenges: being slow to distinguish myself and my feelings from that of those around me, constantly feeling deprived of love compared to the love that I give so freely, feeling disappointed and short of the love and attention that I felt was so desperately needed.

Feeling deprived of love is such a lonely feeling. It leaves you with only yourself, which I always resisted, leading me to invest more of myself and my love in others in the hopes that I would feel whole one day. However giving love away without expecting anything specific (or anything at all) in return is not a bad thing. In fact that is the holiest, purest form of love. Unconditional. No, my problem didn't lie in my ability to give love away, it was the love that I wasn't giving myself that wounded me the most. The irony lies in the observation that the more love I gave, the emptier I felt. That is NOT how it is supposed to be, my people. The more love you give, the more love you receive. It's a law of the universe. It cannot fail. I gave so much love because I knew deep down in my soul, that's what would bring me into a higher state of being. A state of real love. But I never felt the love that I was receiving because it didn't feel like enough. I didn't feel like enough. I never felt like enough. I felt this way because I never took the time to truly, deeply, and honestly love myself. Therefore I cannot recognize or feel the love that I receive because I don't know what it truly feels like to feel love. My love to myself is the only thing that can cure this sad deficit. The only real and true love that can program me to feel all of the love for the rest of my existence.

My point here is this: I have known love, I have fallen in love, I have been loved, and I have lost love. But I have never given myself the love that I deserve and because of this, I have never truly felt love. See the key to figuring out love and how to fill your life with it is the love that you hold deep within yourself, for you. Take a deeper look at it, honestly and openly. Look at the wounds and the breaks, the parts that have healed and the parts that have festered. Don't be afraid or overwhelmed to examine how you feel about yourself as denial will do you know good in this journey. It will only delay you tremendously, from the clarity and the love that you deserve. Take a deep breath and see it all as it truly is. Only then can you begin to heal the shattered relationship you have with yourself.

For those of you reading this that have done this work, I commend you for your efforts and I ask for you to do this: never stop. Never stop bringing awareness and light to the fractured pieces that lie within, however far away from the surface they hide you can heal them. The light that you constantly shine on your shadow parts and the love that radiates back out from them once they are loved, will help others around you find their way into the deeper parts of their soul that they may have been too afraid or stuck to see. The more shadows we expose, the more love we give to them, the more love we are showing ourselves. The more love we will be shown by the world. This idea is bullet proof and eternal, as love will never cease to work in this way. The only thing you have to do is work with yourself compassionately to cultivate the love you have long been waiting, deserving, searching for. All you need for this task is conveniently located directly within you and will never fall away. Decide what it feels like to be loved, decide you are worth experiencing that feeling, knowing that feeling, and then allow yourself to witness it growing within you each and every day.


As I wrap this up, I ask for you to consider this metaphor as a way of understanding what it is you feel the world falls short on giving you. A man lost his key and was searching around for it under the street light in front of his home. A passerby stopped and asked if he remembered the last place he saw the key. The man searching replied that he had lost his key inside his home but inside it was dark and the streetlight was bright, so surely he could find the key underneath it. Obviously that is a ridiculous idea and we can all see that, but think of the love, the happiness, the answers that you spend so much time searching for outside of yourself (your dark home). Everything you have lost or cannot find can be found within you. All you need to do is move your attention to yourself, turn on some lights, put on a good song, and find what it is you need within yourself. I promise it is there.

The Point of Reflection

We all reach a point in our confused adolescence where we grow into an adult and attempt to make sense of who we are and what we want from life. We spend the better years of our innocence picking through our mind and heart, sorting out truth from illusion. We work towards uncovering our truest self, our real identity, only to discover that we will spend the rest of our lives on that very journey. Although we may not be able to discover ourselves in one single moment, something greater is at play and will happen. An epiphany so profound and healing will one day begin to flow into our life, unexpected and possibly even unwelcomed at first. We may spend our youth wearing the skin of someone we are not so that we may have these moments one day and transition into who we really are.

All of what I have said may seem normal, that this discovery of our truest, purest self comes from living through our innocence and being who we are not. However if you dig a little deeper, you will find there is much more to it. The irony of it all comes in the form of those we choose to undo ourselves with. Who we choose to search with, to fail with, to learn with, to break ourselves down and apart with. We find the souls that we choose to implode with, to break through the barriers of our own vulnerability with. A group of kindred spirits, our closest pals, our tightest buddies. We are so young at this point in our life, so innocent and void of responsibility. To ourselves and to the world. We should feel carefree yet we are constantly carrying around a bag filled with insecurities, disappointments, doubts, and fears about the future and what it holds. We are just old enough to decide who we want to be, but not quite old enough to understand who we truly are. We are ready to go off into the world and be a part of something bigger than just a sheltered high school's graduating class. We have the freedom and the choice to go in so many different directions, yet we are too immature and shallow and have yet to dig deep enough within ourselves. We are still trying to dig our way out of all of the things we have believed, all of the things we held back from being. We can't hear our calling quite yet. But that is why we have our best friends, our people. They aren't just the fillers or the backdrop for our teenage experience. They aren't just the memories or the experiences that remind us how young we were. They aren't just the catalysts for our major life transitions or the recipients of our emotional tantrums that eventually split you up. They mean so much more than you may ever know. It's not everyday that we connect on such a deep level with others, especially when we are blind to what lies within us, blind to who we are deep down inside.

Looking back on my young and misguided self I see a girl who had so much love, so much opportunity for opening herself up fully yet painfully confused as to why her authentic self was much harder to find than the person she could sculpt herself to be. I see a girl who didn't understand the first thing about emotions, where they come from and how you can project them on others when you don't face them within yourself. I see a girl that took a lot for granted, including her own sense of morality. Now all I feel is blame and guilt for denying myself the love and depth that I needed to see things just a little bit deeper than I thought I was. But I know that I can't truly blame myself for I was just a child then. No matter how much freedom I had, I was still just a child with hardly any life experience to go from. I was a child who had no idea who she was, to myself or to the world.

As I sit here in my apartment reflecting on how I got to be who and where I am, I can't help but to see faces moving gently through my mind. Picture after picture. High school dances, beach trips, sleepovers, Halloween parties, late summer nights. The faces that come through bring me to many places within my heart, reminding me of all the things I've been trying to forget. The truth is, the girl I see looking back at me in all of those pictures, tangled up with her friends, smile on her face, love surrounding her completely, she is exactly who I am today, only she couldn't see it in herself. I can't hate her for being naive, I can't blame her for not understanding anything about herself or about being whole. I can't blame her because without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. And without the beautiful souls that I chose to help me break away all of the parts of me that didn't belong, I wouldn't be standing here ready to build something amazing.

Those faces, those hearts that I spent my most blind days singing and dancing to the music of life with, well they are never too far away from my heart. The girl that tossed them away dramatically is learning and healing each and every day, closer to understanding herself and her emotions for it, closer to being the person that will soon have a family and life of her own to build upon. And while my heart may feel a tug from a photo, a memory, or a name, I am truly grateful for the people who saw me before I could see myself. Before they could see themselves. I wish them the best on their journey in self discovery and I end this piece with lots of peace and with my favorite Hawaiian saying, Ho'oponopono:

I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

Before You May Love Me

You can love me, but first you must know just a few things about me:

I've bent so far that I am still confused as to if I have broken or not. Some days I catch myself feeling like pieces of a whole. Other days I know that no one can break me but myself, therefore I am not broken. I wonder if I'll ever figure out how my heart works, if it will always be one or if it has split into many. I know that I may never understand my heart, so first you must know that you might not, either. At least, not until I do.

I have an irrational need to be strong. Strength is good, but I am addicted. My head is hard and I won't let you help me without putting up a fight for myself. Your intentions may temporarily be lost in my war against dependence, but I'll eventually decide to allow myself to lean on others, for I am only human. That's what teams are for. But you might have to remind me as we open up our eyes to a new day, that although I can do this life on my own, I don't have to.

Sometimes, emotions can overwhelm me. I can get as existential as Sartre without batting an eye. But the homeless person on the corner begging for another chance, the dirty street cat with no one to love, or a gesture of true selflessness done out of love for me, may leave me feeling winded and uncertain for a moment or two. Although powerful feelings can shake things up, there's a certain curiosity in the beauty of it all that I can't let go of. And that is what's truly in my heart, no matter the fear that steps in momentarily.

There is a constant conversation occurring in my mind, that rarely leaves me silent. I must take time to myself, to sort through all that is my thoughts. Moments of stillness are imperative for my sanity and functionality. Quieting my thoughts is wellness, withdrawing into myself is medicinal. My healing is my own. But after I emerge from my brief hibernation, I delight in sharing my revelations with all who will listen.

All of these parts, you see, make me who I am, and I have been me long before your heart tasted mine. These things that sound like warnings, are actually testaments. Requiring review for your essential understanding. Everything listed before this line and an infinity more, creates a soul who loves unconditionally, with every drop of self. A love so pure and extraordinary, that it will slice through to your core. So before you can love me, truly and really love me, you must first love yourself and all that you are. For love travels most beautifully from the inside, out, and I'll have it no other way.

We Are What We Eat

Courage is not something that comes easily. It doesn't just flow through you like the thick blood that keeps your body going. It is discovered. Through the choices you make, the places you go, the people you meet. Courage exists within you but it isn't you. It asks to be summoned, like a deep breath before a high jump. It needs to be called forth and you have to want it.

I've realized lately that I do this thing where I plan something so far in advance, I'm not afraid to dream it. I know how much I want it, how much I need it, how it is truly meant to be because I'm not distracted by my own doubts or discomfort. Whatever it is, is so far away that my ego-driven mind doesn't take over to tell me I can't do it just yet. So I plan. I set a goal, speak it into existence, determine that it's happening, and talk about it like so. I plan the details of what it will be like, imagine the beauty, the luxury, the adventure. I go on with my days, seeking this dream that I hold in such golden light. I know how happy it will make me and at this point, it's so far away, that I don't feel any of the burdens. Just the joy that I know is coming. I don't feel the anxiety, the fear, I don't hear the voice in my head telling me I can't do it because it isn't time to think about that yet. It's only time to dream, it's only time to imagine the beauty of what I am moving towards. No fears or worries are aloud to enter because I'm not worried about how my dream will come to be. I am solely focused on the amazing, crazy happiness that lies ahead.

It's so important to have a period to dream. If you don't have time to live in the excitement of it all, to bathe in the joy of what you want to experience, to use your imagination to create the most beautiful picture in your mind and then immerse yourself in it, then you will never have the attitude needed to manifest the picture inside of your mind. Manifesting is all about living in the now. Living in the present moment, seeing the future moment in your mind, and allowing yourself to feel what that picture makes you feel. None of the burden of how you will get there, none of the fear of lack or loss, none of the worry of if you will make it, only the parts that make your stomach flutter in the most thrilling, magical way. Only the plans and the visions that bring your soul to a total state of bliss and fulfillment.

To manifest what it is you want to experience, you must decide to experience it. Decide you deserve it, decide it can happen. Choose what you want from life, tell the universe that you want it. Then tell yourself that you deserve it. Over and over. Because you do. There is no method of manifestation until you truly, absolutely believe you deserve what it is you want. That is the first step that cannot be skipped and to be honest, if you can get to a place where you believe with all of your heart that you deserve the things you want, the experiences your soul craves and your heart beats for, then life is yours. Period. And don't you dare tell yourself that you don't deserve any of it, because if your soul and your heart wish for it to be so, than you do deserve it. For what your heart and your soul tell you are guiding the way to joy, love, and happiness and you always deserve those. Each and every one of us.

Once you believe that you deserve what it is you desire, you must then work to believe that you can obtain it. That is step number two. When working through this, it will benefit you to remember that you need not know the means in order to believe in the ends. You do not need to know how you will get somewhere to get there, all you need to do is trust that there exists a path from where you are to where you wish to be. See that path as a line between two points, shaped however your mind wishes. Allow the universe to decide the method of the line between the point of where you are, and where you are headed. Imagine what you want. Decide the end point. You determine the destination. The pathway to this vision of yours, is a long and winding highway in a dark, quiet desert. All you can see is the 8 feet ahead of your car that the headlights illuminate. Yet you know you are on a road, and you know you are well on your way to your destination. And although you can only see 8 feet of road at a time, you know that as you keep moving forward, another 8 feet will appear, and another, and another. This is how life works. You pick a destination, a vision, a goal, an aspiration, a want, a desire, an adventure. You jump on the highway and drive. That is your part to play. You've got to get in the car and go, with your destination buzzing brightly in your mind. But once you are on that highway, it is not your job to see every inch of road that will lead you to your destination. That's the job of the GPS. Or, the universe. So allow the GPS (universe) to give you the direction you need, to guide you on the path ahead. Allow the headlights to light up what it is you need to see, and focus on driving your car the best you can on the road you are brought to. Knowing fully that the GPS will get you to your destination and the road will always unfold before you as you courageously drive onward.

Back to what I was saying before, about planning something so far in advance that you've already set it in motion and began manifesting it before you chicken out. Or in other words, before your nerves, your ego, the devil on your shoulder, convinces you that it cannot be done and your attitude implodes. This is a surefire way to confirm that your soul wants this, more specifically, that it's meant to happen. If you know deep down, that something needs to happen, and you feel it in your bones, you will do all you can to put it into motion before you might lose faith in your intuition, in your dream, in your heart's desire. That is courage. Planning a trip across the world, that feels so exciting and meant to be, before you start having panic attacks about leaving the continent for the first time, that's courage. Courage isn't living life without fear. That's not real. Courage is surfing the rough waves of life, the ones that bring both fear and a surge of exhilaration, knowing the thrill is worth the discomfort. Courage is following your soul's dreams, your heart's wishes, despite the fact that you may run into extreme worry and anxiety along the way. That's where courage and faith go hand in hand. Courage flows like a gentle surge of electricity when you have faith. Because although you may worry or fear certain things, you have faith in something higher. You have faith that there is a purpose for everything, and everything will serve a greater purpose. Then, courage seems more accessible. No matter what comes your way, you have the strength to believe. Even if you know it will be hard, scary, painful, uncomfortable. Courage is dreaming it up. Faith is trusting in that dream's meaning to your soul. Belief is knowing it will be. Courage is deciding you deserve what you desire, having faith that you can do it, and creating it. Despite the ego-based emotions you will experience along the way.

So my point here is this: Manifesting is courageous. Manifesting is hard. Manifesting is worth it. Manifesting your dreams is the most miraculous experience you can endure. Manifesting what lies within you, is natural. It is something we are made to do, energetically and spiritually. Our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, they all work together to create the reality we are surrounded by. What you operate from, you send out, you pull in, you become. You are one giant cellphone tower of energy, sending out signals to the universe with each and every word your mind produces, each feeling and emotion your attitude projects and your body experiences. You are constantly creating the life you experience, and you don't even realize it. That is how natural it is. So imagine, what life would be like, if you took it into your own hands? If you believed you have the courage that already lies within you, just waiting to be invoked? What would you do with that super power? That is what it is, a super power. Waiting to be brought forth, waiting to be put to use to save your life. Put on your cape, pull up your tights, set your destination in sight, and fly. Trust the universe to respond, trust yourself to believe, but most importantly, allow yourself to feel the satisfaction, the joy, the heart exploding happiness of the dream you are flying towards. Because it is already here, it is already a part of you. The minute you decide you want it and you can fly towards it, it is already yours. All you have to do is receive it.

The law of attraction is on your side, my friends. Dream big, believe even bigger.

To Survive or to Thrive?

I've come to a very important conclusion lately. Maybe it was meant to be this way all along, maybe I was meant to put this delicate puzzle together sooner or later, and my consciousness just happened to choose now. Or perhaps it was destined to find its way out of the depths of my mind at this very sacred time. Whatever the cause, whichever the method of timing, I can absolutely say I am incredibly thankful I figured this out now and not a minute later.

It all started with a philosophy paper. Being the anxious student I am, I planned to come up with my topic for the paper far enough in advance so that I'd have ample time to write the paper itself. So, months ago, before this sacred time of the most important epiphany of my life, I chose the topic of the Self. Are we an Atomistic Self or a Relational Self? Do we discover our truest, deepest Selves through introspection or extrospection? Is our Self discovered only within, or through our relationships with others? Little did I know, this topic would turn out to be a HUGE turning point in my life, bringing to my attention some aspects of me and my beliefs that very well might change life for me in the most miraculous of ways.

I won't get too much into my philosophical argument but I will tell you this.. Philosophy is known for teaching you the extreme views of beliefs of the universe. Religion, Ethics, Metaphysics, and Knowledge are the four main topics that most philosophies explore. The brilliant thinkers and ponderers that philosophize their way through life in order to pass down their beliefs, tend to pick a radical side of the issue and use reason to prove why their belief makes the most sense. But what REALLY makes the most sense, is finding a middle point between these extremes and taking parts from both sides of the spectrum that hold up to create one powerful, meaningful, spine tingling theory. That is what it's all about, I've learned. Studying philosophy may mean reading and understanding these radical theories, but practicing philosophy (which means the love of wisdom, by the way) actually means using these extreme ideas to form your own beliefs. Your beliefs and "aha moments" come from moving yourself closer to the center of these philosophies of life. Essentially, to philosophize or ponder is to inspire your own inner revolution. The real radical part is that sometimes, that movement changes your life.

I started creating my theory based on the topic mentioned above. I noticed that I was really adamant that all you need to discover and maintain your true self, is your self! How much simpler could it get? To be honest, that was just me being the person I have believed myself to be, detrimentally independent. Stubbornly alone. Angrily secluded. It wasn't until I presented my thesis to my Professor (who I highly admire for his natural wisdom and love for pondering) that I realized just how radical my beliefs were. About myself, about the Self, about people in general. Clearly, I still had some exploring and discovering to do. After he explained to me, so pure and simple, that we need both our Self and others to discover what lies deep within, I started to see the denial slipping away. It was time for me to shift my belief to the center, to give up my hard-headed, arrogant perception that I only needed myself to discover my Self, to better my Self, to BE my absolute Self. It's amazing, I mean truly extraordinary, how fast my perspective shifted and my mind opened up when I became comfortable with the fact that it would benefit me more in life if I didn't put my ego before my expansion. As a mind and as a soul. Philosophy has humbled me that way. After all, the first lesson of philosophy, stated by my favorite philosopher Socrates, is to know that you know nothing. Only then will you truly be able to learn something.

So after speaking with my professor, I realized that I was angrily defending solitude. I know from experience how necessary it is sometimes to pull yourself away from the rest of the world. After all, to heal a wound, we cover it from exposure. I have been operating under the notion that I needed to be on my own in order to completely heal. Only I could heal my wounds, only I could reassemble the shattered person that I was. That's true, but only to a certain degree. We are humans who are here on this planet to learn about ourselves, heal ourselves, and grow as we continue forward on our eternal journey. Part of that learning and healing can only be done within you, by you. You are the sole person who decides whether you heal, learn, or grow at all. You are the only one who has power over what state your soul is in and in what condition your heart lives. No one can break you, no one can fix you, except for you. However, an enormous amount of learning here in this great life is also done through our relationships and deep connections with others. How else would we learn about the parts of ourselves that we spend so much energy hiding and denying? Whether we are pained or loved by others, it is our relationships with those very others that can teach us about how we give and receive love. Do we allow ourselves to give and receive love, or do we deny ourselves those very pleasures and purposes of live? The only way you can know is if you connect with someone who is learning the same idea, which we all are, constantly. Also, we are all mirrors for each other. We are attracted to those who can help draw something out of us by just being themselves. To help bring something within ourselves to the surface and to our attention. Without relationships with others, our Self would be nothing more than what we can do on our own and as we can see from the way we humans function and live, it is more than necessary to have help, to have more than just our Self. You won't get very far on your own in this world, take my word for it.

In the end, I have found that there is equal and great power in pure discovery of Self and in our relationships with others. Therefore, the topic of my paper and the theme for my life that I have chosen, is the Mutual Self. The Self that can learn from both connection to Self and connection to others, seclusion and infusion. The Self that can fit both of those halves together in one divine piece that is our existence. Forming together imperfectly but extraordinarily, in order to teach us to the fullest extent, who we are and why we are here. We can survive with just our Self, but do we want to survive, or do we want to thrive? That is the question of a life time!

A Feeling is Worth a Thousand Words

It's been a long journey, this road I've been on. Ive found myself and lost myself more times than I could count. See, there's a difference between knowing yourself and finding yourself, and I learned that difference through trial and error, but mostly hard work.

There's a little voice deep within, just begging to be heard. It knows what you've been through and it knows where you're headed. It understands the parts of you that are swept under the rug without conscious consideration. The parts that hide away from the sunlight and live their days without a glance in their direction. But eventually that voice gets loud, so very loud that you cannot ignore it anymore, and the parts of you that hide in the dark crevices of your consciousness are revealed, slowly but surely.

I do believe that I felt things purely and deeply at one point, I do believe that I allowed myself to feel the entire spectrum of emotions. But that's where I went wrong. I believed they were something that not only could but should be controlled. Contained. Commanded. I was so very wrong. But I do remember feeling things, that I cannot deny. A heart full of emotions, a mind full of confusion trying to understand and control them as they flowed through me like an endless stream of fire. Then one day I felt too much. I felt so much that I turned it all off. I felt the end of dreams come crashing down, shattering into a million useless pieces. I felt my physical heart burn to ashes. I felt my thoughts give up and my body give in. I felt the weight of the world and I dropped it to the ground without second thought. I felt too much and I didn't want to have that God given ability anymore. So I closed my heart off and sealed it shut, until further notice. 

Time went by. Never, not once, was I fully numb. Rather, my heart contained what had once sought to destroy it and once my heart was sealed nothing new was to enter, nothing old was to exit. Like a deer in headlights, my heart's boundaries froze without sound. Just panic. I searched and searched for a cure, holding the walls up with my broken fingers. Days went by, weeks, months. Nothing in, nothing out. I held onto the hurt like the heavens were falling to earth. Worse than that state was the fact that it became normal. So much so that I began to look past the walls and the militia viciously protecting them. It didn't phase me, not once, that my emotions were always the same. It didn't have the chance to sink in because there was something more sinister at play than just denial. My mind was in charge and it was a dictatorship. The protection was ruthless and became the sole purpose of my thoughts. My mind took over for my heart, intellectually processing emotions, feeding my brain the words and pictures that went along with them but never allowing me to feel them. I was a prisoner inside of the walls I built, at the mercy of the mind I gave it all up to. I was in survival mode for over a year and I was never aware of it. 

But then something changed. My path was detoured and I went for the ride. I ended up in a strangely comforting place surrounded by incredible people, all actors on the set of the play that intended to bring my heart back into control. To tear down the walls that kept it from freedom. I was engulfed with reasons to care, reasons to feel, reasons to love. I was taken into the arms of angels and begged to breathe, resuscitated until I drew in that first breath of air after a long time of suffocation. But my mind was still winning and the walls were still up. Even worse, I believed they were coming down. Maybe they were slowly being chipped at, slow enough to evade my awareness. But the real test came when I was given all of these opportunities to open and I couldn't receive them. I just couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Like a scared little bird who was trying so very hard to jump and fly, I kept my eyes shut so tightly and told myself I could do it. I began telling myself I was doing it, out on my own, breaking out of the fragility of the egg and discovering my own strength. Profound and destined. But I was still perched on the edge of the nest, only watching the sights of first flight from the inside of my mind. 

It wasn't until those opportunities to open my heart and burn down the walls left my life so quickly that I finally broke free. Maybe it was the heartache from being plucked out of something great, something real. Maybe it was the breath of fresh air once I realized where I was. Regardless of the cause, the concrete walls I spent so long building, slab after slab, ripped down with the force of a lifetime. The dam crashed and the river flooded the valley, putting the angry fires of my mind out, filling my heart and soul in an instant. I floated. Nothing remained but the raw emotions that were there the entire time, trapped under the weight of an eternity of survival. It was only then that I saw the manipulation, the chains, the mode I was living in. I was fighting for my life to escape and I had no idea how deep I was. Not one. 

It has been only two months since I bulldozed the arena around my heart that I spent so many months building. In those two months I have seen life through new eyes, felt things I've never felt in my entire life. All the while wondering, is this what I've been keeping from myself? Is this what my heart vowed to give up on that hot summer day, the infamous day that my concrete walls were built? Is this what I couldn't bare to take on, what was sure to be the straw that broke the camel's back? Each and every day since I realizr how lucky I am to feel things so purely, so openly and unrefined. I feel connected to each moment and each experience grounds me closer to this life. Tough emotions will come and go, but I take the time and the courage to process and experience each and every one because that is what being alive means. That is how we grow.

I did what I needed to survive, and I will stand by that decision always. Never regret the strength that saves your life, no matter the cost. Although I missed out on a year and a half of living life with an open heart, experiencing and feeling the highest and lowest, the most beautiful, the most extraordinary things life has to offer, I will always know how necessary it was. For without the destined war between my heart and my mind, without the survival and protection, I would never be where I am today. Feeling the sun on my skin and the song in my heart. Feeling the love that dwells at each and every corner, the beauty in it all. I now shed a tear for the beauty rather than the pain and only because I surrendered to the pain first. Now it holds nothing over my head and I am absolutely, completely, and utterly free for the rest of my days, to feel with the entire existence of my heart and soul in this most wonderful life. And that, I will never regret. 

The Skeleton in the Closet We Share

I believe that we all have a purpose. I believe that everything holds meaning. I believe that we are all here, the way we are and in the manor that we are, to learn. We all have different lessons and challenges to experience, different ways of living, ways we hinder ourselves and ways in which our circumstances may hinder us. I believe that the only explanation for the complete originality of every single human being's life circumstances is that we need them, personally, to teach us our tailored lessons, the challenges we must overcome and learn from for the sake of our own soul. Person by person, soul by soul, our life is created and experienced for the purpose of teaching our soul wisdom, to learn why we are the way we are, and to build on who we are with each and every moment we breathe air into our lungs.

Along with this belief of mine, comes another belief that each and every person walking around this planet is at a different level in their own soul journey. If we all have a completely unique soul plan, filled with circumstances, experiences, limitations, blessings, emotions, etc. that are all shaping who we are, doesn't it make sense that we would all be in different places of those lessons as well? A unique place in your unique life. Some of us choosing to face certain lessons, some of us running. Some of us pushing through our circumstances because it makes us stronger. Some of us spending our entire lifetime thinking we are learning but in actuality we are numbing ourselves from the gifts a challenge can bring. To each their own. Their own experience, their own path filled with their own lessons, hand crafted by the universe to bring you what you need most. Completely unique to your soul, giving you gifts and hits that no one will ever understand like you do. 

Have you judged someones circumstances lately? Have you invalidated the lessons and challenges their soul has vowed to go through in this life because their life looks way different from yours? I'll be honest, I did just today. I caught myself labeling someone as shallow because the challenges I have to endure and learn from aren't relevant in their life. But why would someone having different circumstances than me make them less than me? Why would someones blessings invalidate their hardships just because I don't get to experience a blessing quite like theirs? Why would someones unique lifestyle and circumstances make their experience any less meaningful to their soul than mine? I asked myself these hard questions and because of that I had an epiphany. We are all completely different. On the inside of our body: the parts of us that make us who we are, our soul, our heart, our essence. On the outside: our body, our style, the way that we live and express ourselves. That's what makes us so beautiful, the fact that not one of us is like the other. We can all learn a different perspective of life by realizing this, that we are all connected by being completely, 100 percent different from one another. What makes us different connects us because what one person experiences can teach you something about what you don't get to experience. Some of us don't have to worry about money in the way that others do. Some people weren't meant to have that as a challenge in this life because perhaps their soul has dedicated this life to learning generosity, emotional awareness, or overcoming trauma that doesn't have to do with money. Maybe some of our souls have dedicated this life to experiencing loss in all corners of life, including emotional trauma AND financial instability. Perhaps some of us have dedicated this life to not having a deficit in either of those areas but learning how to fulfill yourself with something more than just money and an easy circumstantial life. Maybe some of us have to dig deeper to find that happiness because we KNOW that money or simplicity won't fulfill our souls work. Perhaps that person I judged so harshly for having no worries actually had some very troubling aspects to their life experience that I can't understand because that aspect comes easy to ME! Have you ever thought of that? Perhaps people who have large amounts of money and lucky circumstances think that I have it good because I have learned how to turn my challenges into wisdom, learning certain things that have given me my very own blessings. We all have different circumstances, deficits, and blessings because we all have different lessons and challenges because we. all. have. different. souls. We have endured things different from anyone else. We have been in lives where we were not so fortunate, and others where we were amongst the most fortunate of all. Some of us need to learn what it's like to decide to become independent while others need to learn what it's like to have no choice, and others need to learn what it's like to never even experience independence. Or love. Or honesty. Or freedom. 

My long and twisted point is that we don't know. We just don't know why some peoples' souls have to learn by certain experiences. We just don't know what they're learning or why it has to be in the way that it is. All we know is what our life is like and that it's unique in it's own ways. So I'm asking you something very important: will you allow the differences in the way we all experience life hinder you? Will you allow all the different perspectives of life that exist close you in a box where you only see from yours? Will you allow your singular view of a soul's path and the lessons they learn along the way dictate who you chose to connect to and who you chose to reject? Will you allow your narrow view of just one soul in existence here on earth put space between you and those you could actually learn a lot from? When you cease to judge the unique life experiences of those around you, you automatically open a door to learn more than just your own lesson. You open the door to understanding the circumstances and lessons of all the different people you meet each and every day. You widen your perspective on life, and you allow yourself to receive experience and wisdom from the experiences of others. That is truly profound and probably one of the greatest ways you could possibly live out your existence.

So let me ask you, one more time. Have you judged or invalidated any one's life experience by the circumstances in which they are learning in? Or will you decide to make the choice to learn side by side, love side by side, and experience the fullest life you could possibly live? Because that is your choice. Judgment or empathy.. you decide.