Before You May Love Me

You can love me, but first you must know just a few things about me:

I've bent so far that I am still confused as to if I have broken or not. Some days I catch myself feeling like pieces of a whole. Other days I know that no one can break me but myself, therefore I am not broken. I wonder if I'll ever figure out how my heart works, if it will always be one or if it has split into many. I know that I may never understand my heart, so first you must know that you might not, either. At least, not until I do.

I have an irrational need to be strong. Strength is good, but I am addicted. My head is hard and I won't let you help me without putting up a fight for myself. Your intentions may temporarily be lost in my war against dependence, but I'll eventually decide to allow myself to lean on others, for I am only human. That's what teams are for. But you might have to remind me as we open up our eyes to a new day, that although I can do this life on my own, I don't have to.

Sometimes, emotions can overwhelm me. I can get as existential as Sartre without batting an eye. But the homeless person on the corner begging for another chance, the dirty street cat with no one to love, or a gesture of true selflessness done out of love for me, may leave me feeling winded and uncertain for a moment or two. Although powerful feelings can shake things up, there's a certain curiosity in the beauty of it all that I can't let go of. And that is what's truly in my heart, no matter the fear that steps in momentarily.

There is a constant conversation occurring in my mind, that rarely leaves me silent. I must take time to myself, to sort through all that is my thoughts. Moments of stillness are imperative for my sanity and functionality. Quieting my thoughts is wellness, withdrawing into myself is medicinal. My healing is my own. But after I emerge from my brief hibernation, I delight in sharing my revelations with all who will listen.

All of these parts, you see, make me who I am, and I have been me long before your heart tasted mine. These things that sound like warnings, are actually testaments. Requiring review for your essential understanding. Everything listed before this line and an infinity more, creates a soul who loves unconditionally, with every drop of self. A love so pure and extraordinary, that it will slice through to your core. So before you can love me, truly and really love me, you must first love yourself and all that you are. For love travels most beautifully from the inside, out, and I'll have it no other way.