A Lost Heart Freshly Discovered

I don't know about you, but the last few weeks have been kicking my ass into shape. There have been epiphanies and lessons galore, some of the most life changing for me so far. One of the realizations I have been working through recently has turned out to be one of the most important lessons I have yet to learn in this life. I am having difficulty swallowing it and living in it truthfully, so I find it most productive to speak it out loud to others, in turn speaking my truth to myself.

If you are reading this, then you have a truth you must speak as well. The bigger the pill to swallow, the bigger the gulp of water. So fill up your glasses now, because this is a big one for me and I bet you have a big pill to swallow yourself as well. Here it goes!




I go back to that time, the time in which my world stood still. I hold the hollow me who sits in those moments, brain dead from fear. I hold her as she cries, I sing to her as she shakes and sobs. I sing of love, how it never ceases to exist.

I tell her how everything will eventually be okay, how she can't see it yet but she will discover another great love. And when that time comes, she will know of another way to love, one that fits the cookie cutter shape that is now her new heart. Shaped by the life she has lived thus far, shaped by the cracks in her soul.

I tell her that it is okay to step out of that jail cell, it is okay to leave those frames that play in her mind like a film stuck on repeat. The frames that depict the trauma, pain, fear, and loss. It is okay to leave that behind. It was the love and change that has made her who she is today so she can let go of the pain and frozen parts of her, for all they will take with them when they leave is her darkness.

Let go. Let go. I tell her to let her hands release the grasp and push those moments out to sea, rescuing her hollow self from the disaster aboard, sending it away to where it belongs. In the past.

I wish to no longer seal myself off from the world. I wish to leave the place within me in which I have been trapped, frozen in time that does not move. I am not frozen, I am moving forward. I am not lost, I am discovering myself everyday. The hollow self that I have rescued from that awful time will thank me when someone comes along and wishes to teach me how to love again.

I don't have to stay prisoner to that death, I don't have to sacrifice the rest of my life in order to keep the memories and love that are left behind. Those moments live in me, in my structure and in my soul, forever acting as the foundation of the life I have yet to live. There is so much life out there to build on top of the part of me that exists in this moment, and the parts that have withered and cracked will forever make me who I am, no matter how deep those cracks run.