A Feeling is Worth a Thousand Words

It's been a long journey, this road I've been on. Ive found myself and lost myself more times than I could count. See, there's a difference between knowing yourself and finding yourself, and I learned that difference through trial and error, but mostly hard work.

There's a little voice deep within, just begging to be heard. It knows what you've been through and it knows where you're headed. It understands the parts of you that are swept under the rug without conscious consideration. The parts that hide away from the sunlight and live their days without a glance in their direction. But eventually that voice gets loud, so very loud that you cannot ignore it anymore, and the parts of you that hide in the dark crevices of your consciousness are revealed, slowly but surely.

I do believe that I felt things purely and deeply at one point, I do believe that I allowed myself to feel the entire spectrum of emotions. But that's where I went wrong. I believed they were something that not only could but should be controlled. Contained. Commanded. I was so very wrong. But I do remember feeling things, that I cannot deny. A heart full of emotions, a mind full of confusion trying to understand and control them as they flowed through me like an endless stream of fire. Then one day I felt too much. I felt so much that I turned it all off. I felt the end of dreams come crashing down, shattering into a million useless pieces. I felt my physical heart burn to ashes. I felt my thoughts give up and my body give in. I felt the weight of the world and I dropped it to the ground without second thought. I felt too much and I didn't want to have that God given ability anymore. So I closed my heart off and sealed it shut, until further notice. 

Time went by. Never, not once, was I fully numb. Rather, my heart contained what had once sought to destroy it and once my heart was sealed nothing new was to enter, nothing old was to exit. Like a deer in headlights, my heart's boundaries froze without sound. Just panic. I searched and searched for a cure, holding the walls up with my broken fingers. Days went by, weeks, months. Nothing in, nothing out. I held onto the hurt like the heavens were falling to earth. Worse than that state was the fact that it became normal. So much so that I began to look past the walls and the militia viciously protecting them. It didn't phase me, not once, that my emotions were always the same. It didn't have the chance to sink in because there was something more sinister at play than just denial. My mind was in charge and it was a dictatorship. The protection was ruthless and became the sole purpose of my thoughts. My mind took over for my heart, intellectually processing emotions, feeding my brain the words and pictures that went along with them but never allowing me to feel them. I was a prisoner inside of the walls I built, at the mercy of the mind I gave it all up to. I was in survival mode for over a year and I was never aware of it. 

But then something changed. My path was detoured and I went for the ride. I ended up in a strangely comforting place surrounded by incredible people, all actors on the set of the play that intended to bring my heart back into control. To tear down the walls that kept it from freedom. I was engulfed with reasons to care, reasons to feel, reasons to love. I was taken into the arms of angels and begged to breathe, resuscitated until I drew in that first breath of air after a long time of suffocation. But my mind was still winning and the walls were still up. Even worse, I believed they were coming down. Maybe they were slowly being chipped at, slow enough to evade my awareness. But the real test came when I was given all of these opportunities to open and I couldn't receive them. I just couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Like a scared little bird who was trying so very hard to jump and fly, I kept my eyes shut so tightly and told myself I could do it. I began telling myself I was doing it, out on my own, breaking out of the fragility of the egg and discovering my own strength. Profound and destined. But I was still perched on the edge of the nest, only watching the sights of first flight from the inside of my mind. 

It wasn't until those opportunities to open my heart and burn down the walls left my life so quickly that I finally broke free. Maybe it was the heartache from being plucked out of something great, something real. Maybe it was the breath of fresh air once I realized where I was. Regardless of the cause, the concrete walls I spent so long building, slab after slab, ripped down with the force of a lifetime. The dam crashed and the river flooded the valley, putting the angry fires of my mind out, filling my heart and soul in an instant. I floated. Nothing remained but the raw emotions that were there the entire time, trapped under the weight of an eternity of survival. It was only then that I saw the manipulation, the chains, the mode I was living in. I was fighting for my life to escape and I had no idea how deep I was. Not one. 

It has been only two months since I bulldozed the arena around my heart that I spent so many months building. In those two months I have seen life through new eyes, felt things I've never felt in my entire life. All the while wondering, is this what I've been keeping from myself? Is this what my heart vowed to give up on that hot summer day, the infamous day that my concrete walls were built? Is this what I couldn't bare to take on, what was sure to be the straw that broke the camel's back? Each and every day since I realizr how lucky I am to feel things so purely, so openly and unrefined. I feel connected to each moment and each experience grounds me closer to this life. Tough emotions will come and go, but I take the time and the courage to process and experience each and every one because that is what being alive means. That is how we grow.

I did what I needed to survive, and I will stand by that decision always. Never regret the strength that saves your life, no matter the cost. Although I missed out on a year and a half of living life with an open heart, experiencing and feeling the highest and lowest, the most beautiful, the most extraordinary things life has to offer, I will always know how necessary it was. For without the destined war between my heart and my mind, without the survival and protection, I would never be where I am today. Feeling the sun on my skin and the song in my heart. Feeling the love that dwells at each and every corner, the beauty in it all. I now shed a tear for the beauty rather than the pain and only because I surrendered to the pain first. Now it holds nothing over my head and I am absolutely, completely, and utterly free for the rest of my days, to feel with the entire existence of my heart and soul in this most wonderful life. And that, I will never regret. 

The Skeleton in the Closet We Share

I believe that we all have a purpose. I believe that everything holds meaning. I believe that we are all here, the way we are and in the manor that we are, to learn. We all have different lessons and challenges to experience, different ways of living, ways we hinder ourselves and ways in which our circumstances may hinder us. I believe that the only explanation for the complete originality of every single human being's life circumstances is that we need them, personally, to teach us our tailored lessons, the challenges we must overcome and learn from for the sake of our own soul. Person by person, soul by soul, our life is created and experienced for the purpose of teaching our soul wisdom, to learn why we are the way we are, and to build on who we are with each and every moment we breathe air into our lungs.

Along with this belief of mine, comes another belief that each and every person walking around this planet is at a different level in their own soul journey. If we all have a completely unique soul plan, filled with circumstances, experiences, limitations, blessings, emotions, etc. that are all shaping who we are, doesn't it make sense that we would all be in different places of those lessons as well? A unique place in your unique life. Some of us choosing to face certain lessons, some of us running. Some of us pushing through our circumstances because it makes us stronger. Some of us spending our entire lifetime thinking we are learning but in actuality we are numbing ourselves from the gifts a challenge can bring. To each their own. Their own experience, their own path filled with their own lessons, hand crafted by the universe to bring you what you need most. Completely unique to your soul, giving you gifts and hits that no one will ever understand like you do. 

Have you judged someones circumstances lately? Have you invalidated the lessons and challenges their soul has vowed to go through in this life because their life looks way different from yours? I'll be honest, I did just today. I caught myself labeling someone as shallow because the challenges I have to endure and learn from aren't relevant in their life. But why would someone having different circumstances than me make them less than me? Why would someones blessings invalidate their hardships just because I don't get to experience a blessing quite like theirs? Why would someones unique lifestyle and circumstances make their experience any less meaningful to their soul than mine? I asked myself these hard questions and because of that I had an epiphany. We are all completely different. On the inside of our body: the parts of us that make us who we are, our soul, our heart, our essence. On the outside: our body, our style, the way that we live and express ourselves. That's what makes us so beautiful, the fact that not one of us is like the other. We can all learn a different perspective of life by realizing this, that we are all connected by being completely, 100 percent different from one another. What makes us different connects us because what one person experiences can teach you something about what you don't get to experience. Some of us don't have to worry about money in the way that others do. Some people weren't meant to have that as a challenge in this life because perhaps their soul has dedicated this life to learning generosity, emotional awareness, or overcoming trauma that doesn't have to do with money. Maybe some of our souls have dedicated this life to experiencing loss in all corners of life, including emotional trauma AND financial instability. Perhaps some of us have dedicated this life to not having a deficit in either of those areas but learning how to fulfill yourself with something more than just money and an easy circumstantial life. Maybe some of us have to dig deeper to find that happiness because we KNOW that money or simplicity won't fulfill our souls work. Perhaps that person I judged so harshly for having no worries actually had some very troubling aspects to their life experience that I can't understand because that aspect comes easy to ME! Have you ever thought of that? Perhaps people who have large amounts of money and lucky circumstances think that I have it good because I have learned how to turn my challenges into wisdom, learning certain things that have given me my very own blessings. We all have different circumstances, deficits, and blessings because we all have different lessons and challenges because we. all. have. different. souls. We have endured things different from anyone else. We have been in lives where we were not so fortunate, and others where we were amongst the most fortunate of all. Some of us need to learn what it's like to decide to become independent while others need to learn what it's like to have no choice, and others need to learn what it's like to never even experience independence. Or love. Or honesty. Or freedom. 

My long and twisted point is that we don't know. We just don't know why some peoples' souls have to learn by certain experiences. We just don't know what they're learning or why it has to be in the way that it is. All we know is what our life is like and that it's unique in it's own ways. So I'm asking you something very important: will you allow the differences in the way we all experience life hinder you? Will you allow all the different perspectives of life that exist close you in a box where you only see from yours? Will you allow your singular view of a soul's path and the lessons they learn along the way dictate who you chose to connect to and who you chose to reject? Will you allow your narrow view of just one soul in existence here on earth put space between you and those you could actually learn a lot from? When you cease to judge the unique life experiences of those around you, you automatically open a door to learn more than just your own lesson. You open the door to understanding the circumstances and lessons of all the different people you meet each and every day. You widen your perspective on life, and you allow yourself to receive experience and wisdom from the experiences of others. That is truly profound and probably one of the greatest ways you could possibly live out your existence.

So let me ask you, one more time. Have you judged or invalidated any one's life experience by the circumstances in which they are learning in? Or will you decide to make the choice to learn side by side, love side by side, and experience the fullest life you could possibly live? Because that is your choice. Judgment or empathy.. you decide.

Red Eyes

One might think
at four in the morning on a dark plane,
stars lighting up the head shaped window
with the gentle sparkle of surrealism,
that I would sink into my heavy, traveling body.
But the blanket of strange bliss
on the colder side of the glass
calls my name until sleep is no option.

One might think
at six in the morning on a dimly lit plane,
coffee-scented voices softly waking up
to the intimate space shared by 250 beating chests,
that I would munch on the delightful foreign breakfast
waiting patiently on my tray.
But the explosion on the horizon,
the messy painting of a well needed rest to come
breaks the heavy thoughts and precious dreams
sending them off into the never ending trampoline of clouds.

Fairy-tale Re-do

Once upon a time
there was a girl with big dreams
as bright as the shimmering stars;
But they told her she couldn't,
and they told her she wouldn't,
so the dreams drifted ever so far.


Until came the day
when the girl met another
whose dreams were all he could see;
he showed her the world,
and for her life uncurled,
Paris called out, she said "Oui".


So now here she stands
in a life that's all changed
with eyes and a heart that's brand new;
She's opened her mind,
to whatever she finds,
And to dreams she shall always be true.

A Prayer for the Future

May an essence of rose descend upon humanity;

its delicate, warm embrace

filling the wounds of the world

with a pink, angelic hue.

May the soft fabric of our compassion

wipe away the tears of those

whose souls have been nearly destroyed,

stealing away the pain of life that’s been lost.

May the flicker of hope that we desperately contain

deep within our cracked hearts

be enough—

enough to change our shattered planet,

to glue the rigid pieces back together,

to turn on the dusty lights we have forgotten.

May we shine infinitely, 

throughout the darkest of storms

as we do our very best to remember this:

love is the answer.

It always has been.

A Slender Stream of Consciousness

There is a place within us all. A place within our hollow vessels. This place holds many things, like a magic bag with no bottom. Here lies memories, a place they can rest. Here lies our emotions, a place they can dwell. Here lies our pain, a place it can fester. But here, in this place within our warm bodies, lies a true testament to time. For as long as we wish, it can be a hole filled with rot. As long as we decide to continue holding what is in this bottomless pit, time will move forward. A million years could pass and nothing in this place will change. Unless you want it to.

The moment we decide this place has a heart beat, it can transform from an inner grave into a vault of life and love. Here lies memories, a place they can play out in peace. Here lies past relationships, a place they can matter. Here lies our joy, a place it can grow. Fill your void with the sweetness of all you have experienced, all that exists. Not the death of life and all of the suffering it holds.

Yes, there is a place within us all. A place within this hollow vessel that carries all that we are. This place has no limit as to what it can hold. Like a magic bag with no bottom, lives of experience exist in it, along with the infinity to come. But out of all the death in the world, out of all of the hate and the division, let this be the place to hold the most beautiful parts of you and your life. Fill it to the brim, and forever onward with the shiniest, most tingling parts of your life. Let this be the place from which you create your brightest love, never running out, never spoiling.

All you have to do is say so. All you have to do is make it so. Do you wish to store your pain, sadness, loss, discomfort, etc. in this never ending space within your fragile self? Or do you wish to hold the golden moments? The love, the laughter, the adventure, the epiphanies, the strength, the feeling of overcoming a challenge so deep you are truly amazed at how far you've come? Let go of your wounds. Quit licking them. Kiss them goodbye, and let them kiss your ass because this life is too beautiful to ignore. This experience is too pure to dilute.

Let life punch you in the gut every once in a while, but hold onto the realization that you can move forward, not the feeling of the fist in your flesh. There is a massive planet filled with hurt that we cannot rewind, that we cannot rid ourselves of. But even in the hurt is a gift so priceless only those with a place within them, a place filled with the best of the worst, can see. Life is precious and so are you. Choose to see that. Choose to feel it. But most importantly, choose to be connected to the best of yourself rather than the worst of the world. I promise you this: Shine your light bright, even when you can't. Shine your light so bright and everyone will turn. Everyone will see themselves in this light and the more lights we can turn on, the more we can see. The beauty in the pain, the treasure in the challenge, the courage in the fear. But most importantly, the love in the hate.

Because you are all worth it.

We are ALL worth it.

What is Dead May Never Die

Death. A word I use to struggle to mention. A lump in the throat, a stale look in my eye, slightly choking on the breath that's cascading down my trachea. It's a complex word, to say the least. But it isn't the linguistics that trip me up, it's the emotions hidden behind each letter, each syllable and sound. It's the memories and the fears, the stabbing pain and the instant relief. The confusion and the chaos. I had so many preconceived ideas, influenced by my beliefs and the experiences of those around me. But my ideas just added to the complexity of the word, reflecting my inexperience and inability to relate entirely. Until the time came that I learned for myself.

Death is a word that cannot be defined. It cannot be understood or written out, explained or painted for anyone to receive. It is defined as the end of the life of a person or organism, but it goes way beyond that simple idea. The most difficult aspect of the idea of death is that it is non-transferable. Once you understand death within yourself, define it, draw it, write it out, that is as far as it goes. It stays planted in your brain, growing in your mind with each and every experience you have. There is no way to show someone your understanding of death. You can attempt to explain it, using words and images that may help them relate to what you are saying, but the truth is no one will ever understand death until they work through tremendous loss themselves.

Since learning my own meaning and definition of death, I have been able to observe others. I have noted their emotions, their thoughts, their reactions. We are all so very different, in how we perceive and more specifically, how we grieve. I will not try to explain to you my idea of death for it may not be understood the way my mind defines it. However I will present you with this idea:

When faced with death in general, it is almost impossible for us to decipher between our empathy for the loss of a life and our own fear of death. Sometimes we mistake our own fear of death for the fear of someone else losing their life. There is grief, there is the emptiness of physical loss and the end of our life with someone else in it, but there is a much grander emotion at work when we face death. Our fear. We fear so much at the end of the line. We may or may not understand what follows, we may or may not wish to think about what comes next. So we just hold a space of fear. Of the unknown, of change, of the release into something new. With all of this fully intact in our hearts and minds, we choose to focus on the physical loss. The empty place in our hearts. The terror we choose to play back in our heads day after day. The fear of what is no more.

We choose to sit in our grief, to soak up our loss and tell ourselves it will never be the same. Well it won't, that we have gotten right. But it's not about right or wrong, it's about our perspective. Life isn't the same, but it can be bigger. It can be more whole. The physical loss in our lives can teach us about life. It can teach us how tough the sting can get, or how soft the touch can feel. It can teach us how sweet the rose can smell, or how much the heart can truly bleed when pricked by a thorn. Death can keep us in a box, bringing us anxiety, fear, and deep depression. Or it can smash open the box and bring you everything you have missed while you've been sleeping.

I am not writing this to tell you what happens after death. I may have my own firm understanding and experience to back that up, but that is ultimately up to your mind to decipher. That is for you to build, and your soul to agree upon. But I can tell you this, death is never just about the loss and if you can find the strength that resides in your core, the life that seeps from your soul constantly, if you can find the will to move forward you will absolutely discover your full meaning of death. But also your meaning of life.

Life can change you, but death destroys you. It destroys you to a place where the soil that was your old self can recycle and grow into a new self. Death can teach you about more than just you and what you have lost. It can take up residence in your spirit and prove to be one of the most awakening experiences you will ever endure, if only you see that you CAN endure it. You CAN move through it, taking with you the materials and realizations you need to create a stronger, more open self.

It is now time to say goodbye to all that has died so that we may continue forward. It is time to reap the courage that has been sown into our celestial bodies, time and time again. Pick up your sword, pick up the swords of those who have finished their battle and gone home. It is time to grow from the ashes of all we have been through and all we have lost, all that has taught us and all that has gotten us to this point. The place that we need to be.

While I can't offer you my perspective on death, I can give you an example to see. I can give you the words from a heart that has endured soul crushing loss, and I can give you my word. Death is not the end, for anyone involved. Loss, my dears, is only but the beginning of the most extraordinary metamorphosis you will ever, EVER, encounter. You may shed your tears now, but you will shed yourself eventually and you will see the beauty, not the vain, of what has been lost. For what is lost is never truly lost, but only in your heart from this point forward. To guide you, to love you, to show you how far you have come and how far you will go. Everlasting, from the day it all ends to the day it all begins again.